Biff America: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Subaru |

Biff America: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Subaru

Jeffrey Bergeron
Biff America
Vail, CO Colorado

“What would Jesus drive?” Inquiring minds want to know.

Or who cares?

The Internet is amazing. For the last week I’ve been doing some web searches on the reliability of various vehicles we were considering buying. Somehow those searches triggered an unsolicited e-mail titled, “What would Jesus drive?”

I didn’t open it at first for fear of some sort of Vatican computer virus sent to me by a former nun as punishment for my tumble from Catholicism. When I finally got the courage to click on the link, it was little more than a plea for a donation of a church located in a double-wide.

I should have known better. What would Jesus drive is a metaphoric question in the same vein as “Who would Buddha punch?”

Now, granted, I am no Biblical scholar (or scholar of any type) but I think it is safe to say that our lord would not be a huge fan of internal combustion engines. It is my best guess that if Jesus were around today he would walk or take a donkey.

Despite believing that to be true, I succumbed to temptation and to wifely (and saleswoman) pressure and purchased a new vehicle. I’m hoping when compared with some of my past sins, my recent plummet into the bowels of gross consumerism will be considered only a minor transgression.

Certainly hoofing it and riding a donkey worked for Yahweh but it will come to no surprise to anyone who knows me when I say I am not the messiah. Also I think it is important to remember the Christ never married. Perhaps if he, like me, had a mate whose vehicle was leaking from both ends and was getting heavy pressure to replace it, he might have caved and purchased something with wheels. Sometimes you need to sin a little to keep the marriage healthy.

“What would Jesus drive?”

It has always been interesting to me that while the Bible is subject to debate, and while there are varying opinions about the validity of taking the book literally, the will of Jesus is quite clear.

Perhaps that is the reason that that there are a lot of “biblical scholars” out there but not many “Jesus scholars.” My guess is being a Bible scholar is challenging due to some of the vagrancies and sheer volume of the disciples’ words whereas the words of the savior are so simple anyone can grasp the message: kindness, acceptance, love, compassion and charity.

Despite that, many who consider themselves Christian often ignore the words of Jesus in favor of trying to make sense out of the Gospels. And the danger of that is when you inject the human element of interpretation, the chance that humans will do something stupid in the name of faith is increased.

As high as 78 percent of Americas call themselves Christian. Certainly, Christian can mean many things, from Roman Catholic, Protestant, Episcopal (Catholics with better hats) and Mormon to those militia nut-jobs up in Michigan – the Hutareee – who think of Jesus as their Godly-general and commanded that they kill policemen.

The problem is humans. The problem has always been humans. If one guy in Rome, Mich., Salt Lake City or anywhere can rally enough gullible people to believe he has an inside track to the will of God or Mohammed, crazy stuff happens.

On the other side of the coin, if humanity just followed the simple teachings of Jesus and called it good the word would be better place and many, so-called men of God would be out of business. Moreover, I would have saved some cash by buying my mate a new donkey.

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be seen on RSN TV and read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at Biff’s book “Steep, Deep and Dyslexic” is available from local book stores or from

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