Big, fat obnoxious columnist |

Big, fat obnoxious columnist

Richard Carnes

OK, so I’m short and skinny. Two out of four ain’t bad. Especially so if one is talking about Vail’s semi-annual ranking as No. 1 in SKI magazine or the status of your favorite Democrat Presidential Nominee-Wannabe Sweepstakes Telethon.

With seven more states voting today, you true liberal folks (defined as one so overstuffed with self-loathing that you refuse to fit through the wide open capitalistic doorway of opportunity) can insert your upcoming tax refund into the Vegas One-Armed Bandit Booth of delusion, all in hopes of letting your guy screw up the country a little bit more.

John “Catch-Up” Kerry, who looks more like Droopy Dawg from the old Hanna-Barbara cartoons each time he takes the stage, has seemingly come out of nowhere to overtake former front runner Dean, who now resembles Porky Pig in mid-stutter (t-t-t-t-hat’s all folks!) while giving this election season’s lesson in how most politicians are better off leaving both feet planted securely in their mouths.

Just three weeks ago, Kerry’s campaign had all the momentum of the Bair Ranch Project yet is now the new and improved repackaged Demo candidate that, according to salivating pundits, has a real chance at beating Bush.

Yeah, and Sharpton will take Utah.

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Sorry to be a bubble-buster, but isn’t that the exact same rhetoric espoused just a few weeks ago for Dean?

Let’s see, I think I have this straight:

Kerry is an Ivy League military veteran who recently has become a Southern anti-war protester. He is the wealthiest member of the U.S. Senate, living in a $14 million brownstone on Beacon Hill, who recently has become an advocate for the homeless. He voted for the Patriot Act yet recently claims he is against it. He voted for NAFTA yet recently stated he is against it. He voted for Operation Iraqi Freedom, and yes– you guessed it – now says he is against it.

If Kerry’s not a politician, I’m not a middle-aged white guy scribbling weekly opinions while watching irrational reality TV on FOX.

John Edwards, meanwhile, who looks like he should be hawking prayers on cable to support gold-trimmed dog houses at his $3 million townhouse in Georgetown, has defied gravity by conveniently tripping up the crumbling ladder of Democrat respectability into the position of this year’s Ken-Doll-without-a-prayer. I half expect the guy to start selling plastic grails full of Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice at fund-raisers to the underage Internet groupies who just abandoned Dean and are desperately in need of a new savior.

Howard Dean himself is busy imploding faster than Kobe Bryant sponsorship contracts and, although he probably will not, should call it quits after tonight. He might not have a choice in the matter, however, as soon as those few hundred paid staffers walk out after not being paid for a few weeks. Even the naive catch on after awhile.

Since it is emblazoned on his forehead already, Wesley Clark should consider teaching “history” back at West Point. He can sure talk about it a lot, accompanied by the omnipresent, “I’m a general!” proclamation. But he was a lousy campaigner who put his foot in his mouth almost as much as Dean.

That Alfred E. Newman look-alike, Joe Lieberman, continues to impress in large numbers. But unfortunately for Joe, the numbers are comprised of three-piece suits voting with a conservative slant. Personally, he makes more sense to me than the rest of them combined.

Dennis Kucinich is guaranteed to say bye bye after today. And the good Rev. Al Sharpton can add yet another in a long list of political defeats to his questionable resume.

Mustn’t forget to mention Hilary whatshername, who garnered 54 write-in votes in New Hampshire. I can semi-rationalize one vote as a bad joke from a good syrup-saturated idiot, but how they got 53 others from an Arkansas trailer park to scribble her name in legible English is beyond me.

1952 was the last time a candidate won Iowa and New Hampshire and did not win the nomination. No candidate has ever finished worse than second in New Hampshire and gone on to get the nomination. Kerry won both, and Edwards finished third.

So at this point, those who hate the idea of a strong America (like liberals who live in that delusional world of rose-colored bliss where bad people don’t do bad things to good people unless they are the product of under funded social programs) can most likely count on a tag team of Kerry and Edwards to fulfill their Bush-hating dreams for the next 10 months.

Sleep well.

Richard Carnes of Edwards He can be reached at

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