blog: Swimming with sobriety
Vail CO, Colorado
I’ve been sober, or at least not falling down drunk two or three times a week, for the last month. I can’t take full responsibility for my sudden responsible-ness, since it is mud season and the town pretty much shut down. I can’t say that I have a sudden revulsion for alcohol or any particular conviction stopping me.
I really love watching the room spin, and I am always amazed when people don’t have faces anymore (that’s how I know it’s time to quit.)
Quitting isn’t something I like to do. In fact, my favorite activity when I’m in the shower is drinking a glass of wine ” and since deodorant really isn’t tops on my shopping list, I get to shower a lot. But it’s amazing the clarity that comes when you remember what you did last night … or even last week.
Which is, I suppose, why I’ve been wondering what the hell I’ve been doing. Or not doing.
Not that I’m not doing anything — I’ve taken more trips in the last two months than in the last two years. I like where I live. I like my job. I like my roommates. I should be happily floating through life.
But I have this silly fear that I shouldn’t be. Like, maybe I’m so behind in this race for commitment that I don’t even know I’m getting lapped.
Another one of my friends that I grew up with just got engaged. I coughed up a proper congrats, even though I always want to say, “I’m sorry” or “That sucks” when someone gets married or pregnant.
He’s the last one. Everyone else from kiddy-land is married, has a dog, a house, a kid, etc. ” or they’re divorced. Or if they’re not married, divorced, or otherwise engaged, they want to be. What the heck?
I’m pretty sure I love being in love a lot more than I actually love the guys I’ve been in love with.
Maybe that’s it. I want to do what I want to do with my life and not have to consider what anyone else wants. I deserve it ” my whole life I have lived everyone else’s expectations and rules and I was good at it. But it’s a damn boring and stressful exercise in futility trying to make everyone else happy.
So why do I feel like I’m treading water with my hands above my head?
Contact Mary at Ma_ha_ria@hotmail.com