Blue-light special explodes in Edwards
Strobe lights and a mirror ball hanging over the Miller Ranch Bridge will funkify the upvalley commute from Edwards, said funk music legend George Clinton.
After receiving complaints about how the narrow, blue neon lights on the new bridge eerily illuminated nearby homes and highways – which also sparked dozens of reports of landing UFOs – county officials sought to liven things up and hired the longtime P-Funk leader as a lighting consultant.
“‘Not gaudy enough,’ is how we’ve interpreted the input we’ve received from residents – who also insist we do a better job of protecting them from the Jelloheads from the planet Texas,” said Viv Morocco, the county’s lighting and mechanical bull engineer.
The combination of strobe lights and mirror ball should send dizzying swirls of glaring white light all the way from Eagle-Vail to Bellyache Ridge – throughout the night, Clinton said. He said he also hopes the disco-era equipment will encourage all the brothers and sisters to stop their cars in the middle of the highway and make the “mothership connection” with fellow motorists.
“Among their other options is gettin’ up for the down stroke,” said Dr. Funkenstein, whom Clinton identified as his assistant and the “beat-beserkin’ downtown outer-space dragonfly king of the Thumpasorus people.”
Clinton added he prefers the term “light revolution” to “light pollution.” To telescope enthusiasts and other astronomy buffs who may be upset by the strobes drowning out the stars, Clinton recommends they “start lookin’ for the deeper constellations groovin’ in the ever-lovin’ big dippers of their souls.”
“You don’t need the sky to get high,” Clinton said.
A test run of the lights Wednesday night “freaked out a lot of people,” said Keg Lowenbrau, a hospitality enforcement officer for the Sheriff’s Office who was on patrol when the strobes went on about 9:30 p.m. He said he fears the lighting display could distract motorists from the more important jobs of speeding and tailgating their neighbors.
“Look man, this is all about expandin’ your groovarian zone, gettin’ it on, y’know, supergroovalisticprosifunkstication – or southernplayalisticcadillacfunkymusic, if you will,” Clinton said.
Should the strobes fail to adequately titillate residents, authorities say they will terminate Clinton’s contract and move to the even more luminescent “Plan 9.”
“Pink Floyd laser light show” said Suzy Creamcheese, director of the county’s Department of Special Effects and Electric Kool-Aid Acid Tests.
“We’re just trying to decide whether to pipe ‘Dark Side of the Moon,’ ‘The Wall,’ or ‘Piper at the Gates of Dawn’ on the loudspeakers,” said Creamcheese, referring to three of the legendary bands “trippiest albums.”
“This valley – that is to say, we – do not require -don’t need no, I mean – further analysis on this subject – education, in other words. Ultimately – all you are, frankly – what’s called for is just another building block – just another brick, if you will – in the public support system – or, in the wall, rather – of the community,” said an Eagle County commissioner who requested his name not be used because he ate his pudding without eating his meat.
Residents, however, are skeptical of the Pink Floyd proposal.
“The Wall’s like not really that trippy an album,” said Wylie McJamband, a snowboarder who lives in the Riverwalk bus stop. “They oughta like switch to Widespread or Stringcheese, braw.”