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Bring me the head of Ronald McDonald

Nickey Hernandez

Morgan Spurlock’s anti-fast food documentary, “Super Size Me,” is for all the doublewides out there who grease their gizzards at America’s most-popular feed lot: McDonalds.In case you had not noticed, Americans are the fattest people on the planet.Our kids are fat, our pets are fat, and stomach stapling is as popular as boob jobs.Since chubby types won’t blame themselves, they need a fall guy. The most likely suspect is a sinister lard pusher named Ronald, who goes by the street name, “The Clown.”With a painted-on smile and girlish red hair, The Clown looks harmless. But he’s as corrupt as Mayor McCheese and as crazed as The Hambergler on a Dijon mustard high.Trust me, I know how dangerous The Clown can be. See, I was once addicted to his salty fries, juicy burgers and thick shakes. I went cold turkey and got off the junk 20 years ago after my guts seized while munching a Big Mac in Singapore.I had purified my body with fish, rice and fresh fruit during a two-month journey through Indonesia. Back then, my innards were as innocent as the Olson Twins. But I could not resist the soft bosom of the Golden Arches when I hit Singapore. Like an OxyContin junkie doctor-shopping with Rush Limbaugh, I greedily fed on the fatty food.Ten minutes later, my entire digestive system cried “no mas.” I was doubled over like a hunchback for hours. Relief came after an extensive session before a McToilet.But my experiences pale compared to the doings in “Super Size Me.”Spurlock’s must-see effort documents his physical, emotional and mental deterioration during a non-stop McDonald binge that sees him dine on nothing but McGoodies for a month.Watch him gobble a McGriddle for breakfast. Cringe as he consumes a Quarter-Pounder, biggie fries and a 24-ounce Coke for lunch. Turn away in horror when he fattens up on a Super Size meal for dinner.”I’m living every 8-year-old’s dream,” Spurlock says at the start of his “diet.”By day three, he’s McPuking by the side of the road.The once physically fit 185-pound dude packs 25 pounds on his frame after only 30 days of McD madness. His body fat escalates from a healthy 11 percent to18. His cholesterol level cries out for Lipitor and his physicians warn that he might “pickle” his liver if he does not stop.Spurlock survived the diet and spent half a year losing what fast food wrought.The film is basically a full frontal assault on the fast food industry. It’s littered with fun facts about the fat content of junk food; absurd media spin from food industry liars, and endless shots of saggy ass Americans waddling across the screen.Don’t say you have not been warned.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to eat a vegan.


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