Celebrities, body parts, and stolen lives | VailDaily.com

Celebrities, body parts, and stolen lives

Richard Carnes

Kobe Bryant can talk to the cops voluntarily for over an hour, saying whatever he wants while willingly handing over hair samples and a T-shirt smeared with the alleged victim’s blood. Yet because of our planet’s improper alignment at that moment, none of it should be admissible in court.

Bean’s lawyers also claim the disclosures made during his interview were “intensely personal” and therefore should be thrown out as evidence. Yet the alleged victim’s mom should be forced to announce for the world to hear any and all intimate and personal details shared in confidence between her daughter and herself.

We have a system of justice that puts up with this kind of nonsense here in Colorado while a circuit judge in Florida arbitrarily decides – without holding a hearing – that there wasn’t enough evidence to return a probation violator to jail even though the sorry excuse for human DNA had been arrested at least 13 times since 1993, once for kidnapping and false imprisonment. Six weeks later an 11-year-old child is abducted by this same animal and her brutalized body is discovered in the bushes near a church parking lot.

What couch did we collectively sit down on and lose our sanity keys that in the past we used to drive the car of common sense?

What puritanical trough have we been gorging ourselves on that causes us to care more about Janet Jackson’s nipple than the justice served on America’s plate?

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How many more ugly metaphors must I come up with?

Just look at us. Some of you are offended having just read the word “nipple,” yet I have heard none complaining about Cialis ads run during the Super Bowl. At least a dozen times we were subjected to (WARNING: another potentially offensive word) “erectile dysfunction” questions, and then during the small verbal print at the end of each ad were told that this drug could last up to 36 hours, BUT any erection lasting more than four hours should not be considered normal and therefore would require immediate medical attention.

Yet we’re OK with this? Erections are acceptable family topics, but seeing a nipple will do irreparable damage to little Johnny’s psyche?

If Jackson had a “wardrobe malfunction,” then many Americans are guilty of “common sense dysfunction.” Our collective priorities are much more out of sync than Justin Timberlake’s lips or Kobe Bryant’s heavily bandaged shooting hand. (Yeah, put his hand through a garage window while moving a box. You betcha. It happens all the time in Celebrityville).

Many of us are wrapped so tight in faux wool blankets of self-righteous indignation that we can’t even feel our own nipples, much less enjoy the sight of someone else’s. For Pete’s sake, go anywhere in Europe and you’re surrounded by nipples on the front pages of newspapers, on every magazine stand in every gas station and on dang near every TV station. Nipples are normal, folks. We all have them, even us guys, although creationists have a helluva time explaining why.

Get over it already.

On the other hand, if someone voluntarily says something to a cop, then, unless they’re claiming the werewolf clause, the time of day they say it is irrelevant and they should be held accountable for what they said. (All lawyers, ACLU members and other self-proclaimed legal minds, please spare me your retorts; this is a rant based upon emotion, not legislation).

If some loser has been arrested more times than the average TIVO owner replayed a zoom-in of Jackson’s nipple, then put the SOB in jail for life. I don’t want to hear any liberal whining about prisons being overcrowded. Those who live there are criminals and they belong in prison. If there are more bad people than room in prisons, then by all means use my tax dollars to build a few more. Just try to think of it as giving bad people a place to call home so good people can feel a tad safer in theirs.

If a child wishes to confide to a parent about something – anything – it is absolutely no business whatsoever to anyone except the parent and the child. If the parent then decides to publicize the issue, then that is their choice, not the option of some lunatic defense attorney who would happily pull fingernails from small puppy paws if the results would keep their client out of jail and her name on “Entertainment Tonight.”

This entire Kobe issue has turned from pathetically bad to an undignified worse, and being offended by Janet Jackson’s nipple is the moral dilemma equivalency of debating skiers versus boarders.

Neither carry any weight whatsoever when compared to the stolen life of an 11-year-old child that could have been prevented, had our priorities been in proper alignment.

“Kobe’s sick,” defense attorney Pamela Mackey told the judge last Monday morning. Truer words have never been spoken.

But unfortunately for us all, he is not alone.

Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.net

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