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Choking on SPAM

Barry Smith

Remember 8-track tapes? I do, even though they were pretty much done by the time I was old enough to buy my first bit of music. My parents listened to 8-tracks, though, and my older cousins did, too, so I have a little special place in my heart for them. After all, I first heard Frank Zappa on an 8-track. And Jimi Hendrix.Whenever I’m in an antique store, or a yard sale, and I see the sad little stack of 8-tracks for sale, I feel a bit nostalgic. Unlike vinyl, which I could actually bring home and play, there’s every chance that I’ll never hear an 8-track again. And even though there’s a collection of freaks on the Internet who still buy, sell and trade 8-tracks, I’m confident that they’ll not be making an actual comeback.I’m also confident that SPAM, that most loathsome junk e-mail, will soon die a horrible, horrible death, and that years from now I’ll pause during my day and reflect: &quotHmmm … I remember when I got like 200 junk mails a day, now I get none, not a one, never. Wow, I feel so nostalgic about SPAM. I wish I would have saved some of the better ones.&quotWhen that day comes, when SPAM is essentially the 8-track of advertising, I’ll have this column … and so will you … to remind me of this special time in history, The Age Of SPAM.All SPAMS below are guaranteed 100 percent authentic and unembellished.The comments in brackets are mine, and are also authentic and unembellished.Subject: Congratulations! Your the next Reality TV Star! [Oh, cool … this must be for that new show, &quotProofreader Island!&quot]Subject: How to Expand Your Penis Size & Self Esteem [Are they selling two totally different expansion techniques, or assuming that one will naturally follow the other?]Subject: Save over $20 [Not too interesting, except that the sender’s name is &quotIssac Colon.&quotSubject: Hate Vacuuming? Free Shark Cordless Sweeper TrialMessage: &quotAcross America tens of thousands of people are rejoicing!Their heavy, dirty, bag-changing vacuum cleaners are a thing of the past. &quot [I’ve heard these sounds of rejoicing across America. I always assumed it was a result of everyone’s penises and self-esteem suddenly being increased by 3 inches.]Subject: Is your computer is running slow? [Is your attention is not on what you are typing? It isn’t, is it? You’re too distracted by your new cordless sweeper to properly compose SPAM, isn’t you?]Subject: Unhealthy Diet-Check this out [Pretty straightforward, except that the sender’s name is &quotIsrael Ham.&quot]Subject: You left your umbrellaMessage: Get Viagra online Now! We are the cheapest supplier on the net. 100 % guarantee! At 3$ a dose, try it now. [Is &quotumbrella&quot some sort of double-entendre for chronic flaccidity that I don’t know about? Or is it just assumed that men who carry (and forget) umbrellas would be the ones who would most benefit from Viagra? I don’t have an umbrella, but should I ever get one you can bet that I’ll not be accidentally leaving it anywhere.]Subject: barry, Increase your breast size. 100% safe! [Good enough on its own, but wait until I tell you that it came from someone named &quotIvy Figueroa.&quot]Subject: Can you handle a Massive Penis? [Depends, I guess. Whose is it, and how long do I have to handle it for? And how drunk am I?]Subject: Even Christians have financial problemsMessage: Professional debt counseling with a Christian perspective -&quotManage your finances…the Christian way.&quot [I don’t know what the &quotChristian way&quot of debt management is, but I’ve had it up to here with rendering unto Caesar.]Subject: Single Christians OnlineMessage: Welcome to Christiancafe.com. All Christians. All single. [How can you be sure that the person you’re exchanging emails with the one who claims she’s a leggy, barely legal redhead who loves Jesus with all her heart – isn’t actually a leggy, barely legal redhead who’s Buddhist?]Barry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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