Columnist: Bush wrangles history |

Columnist: Bush wrangles history

Matt Zalaznick
Vail CO, Colorado

W., scrambling to cement his legacy after the failure of the one barely reasonable act of his presidency ” his mediocre immigration bill ” disbanded Congress late last night.

Bill O’Reilly proclaimed it “a great moment for Democracy” as creepy Nancy Pelosi had to skulk back to her freaky constituents in sin-stuffed San Francisco, troop pull-out and stem-cell bills tucked between her legs.

Sean Hannity barked it was “a historic moment for freedom.” Now W. is free to ransack the planet with wars, greed and smog without worrying about pesky Senate Democrats creating some bad PR by forcing him to veto any more bills most Americans support.

And early this morning, wanting more time because history is beginning to say he has accomplished nothing in two terms despite having plenty of opportunity to achieve greatness (such as uniting the world against Islamic terrorism after Sept. 11 or starting a nationwide alternative energy project) he secretly gave himself a third, 10-year presidential term.

He did it over Darth Cheney’s objections, of course, who had recommended a 50-year term of enriching their cronies with an option for another 50 of corruption and disregard for the American people.

The decision caused Pat Buchanan and W.’s fundamentalist friends to thank God that the most diverse field of Democratic presidential candidates instantly became a moot point. They also weren’t disappointed that the bland slate of Republican hopefuls was made irrelevant, too.

Having blown it in baseball, he has also signed an executive order making brush-clearing the national pastime (though Darth Cheney had argued for making shooting old men in the face America’s Game.) Regardless, Fox News has agreed to cover both “sports” live with pre-game shows and post-game analysis.

You may also get to vote on who Darth Cheney should shoot: Michael Moore? Al Franken? Jon Stewart?

But I digress. Having trashed the progress Bill Clinton made on executive branch transparency, W. will have Halliburton start work on the National Paper Shredder and E-Mail Eliminator, in which all White House documents, war plans, smear campaigns, etc., etc., will be obliterated as soon as they are read.

Darth, of course, is pushing for documents to be annihilated the instant they’re produced ” if not earlier.

Having ignored the environment, W. ” hoping to remain foremost in the hearts of his buddies in the oil industry ” has banned solar panels and windmills, and locked Al Gore up in Guantanamo Bay.

He’s also ordered the White House’s washing machines and air conditioners run 24 hours a day, and asked the former oil drilling exec who’s now in charge of the Fish and Wildlife Service to get rid of polar bears and manatees once and for all.

Having gone backward on conservation, W. has commissioned the George W. Bush Inter-Woodland Freeway System to be built between and throughout our remaining national parks.

W. will now be able to drive from the parking lot next to Old Faithful to the natural gas wells on the ridges of the Blue Ridge Mountains faster than Yellowstone can be circled on a snowmobile, which is now the mandatory mode of wintertime transportation.

Darth Cheney added an amendment to the National Park Freeway Act ” all national park land will be sold to private developers free of zoning.

Having embarrassed the military, but wanting history to remember him as a great wartime leader, W. has shelved his Iran and Syria invasion plans (only for a month or two) and is planning to lob a few nuclear warning shots at his fishing buddy Vladimir Putin just to show him who’s boss.

Darth really misses the black-and-white of the Cold War. Darth’s still a little shocked about being greeted in Baghdad with a civil war instead of flowers ” all those religions, ethnic groups, clans and tribes putting their own interests over Uncle Sam’s!

A real war with Russia (China would also do) would be so much more cut-and-dry ” Us vs. Them. Freedom vs. the Commies. Good Guy vs. Bad Guy. Bullwinkle vs. Boris. Even W. can get his arms around that one.

But W., still a little anxious that all this behavior won’t entrench him among our great leaders, has changed his name to Capt. Tex America and, in a move inspired by the most revered and remembered of Central Asian dictators, re-named Wednesday after himself.

It was the easiest day to change, he just had it shortened it to Wday.

Now that’s something Daddy didn’t do ” or destroy.

Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or

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