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Continuing education

Barry Smith

I never managed to earn a college degree, but I believe that the experiences I had after dropping out of college were far more valuable than anything I could have learned in a classroom.However, I’m a big fan of continued and higher education, which is why I always get excited when the new catalog from my local community college shows up in my mailbox.I usually sign up for a class or two each quarter, as some of them seem to have been created just for me.Here are a few I’m considering for the fall session:ACCOUNTING”Accounting For The Narcoleptic”ACC-215Does the sight of a spreadsheet cause your eyes to roll back in your head? Does Quicken cause your pulse to do anything but? This course is designed with the financially immature in mind, and moves at a pleasant beginner’s pace. The first class involves the teacher merely saying the word “accrual” aloud, followed by a homework-free week to recover. A working knowledge of the numbers 1 through 6 is required.COMMUNICATIONS”Rationalization”COM-313Emphasis: How to hide your insecurity over having never earned a college degree.This course will assist you in convincing others that the experiences you had after dropping out of college were far more valuable than anything you could have learned in a classroom.Prerequisite: Ability to state (without bursting into tears over your early failures and inability to finish what you start) that despite being a college drop-out, you are a graduate of the “College of Life.”ART”Devil Horn/Beard Drawing”ART-206This course explores and nurtures the universal need to “enhance” newspaper/magazine/textbook photographs with the classic devil goatee and horns. Also covered will be blacked-out tooth, eye patch, arrow through the head and text bubble saying, “I suck.” Text required.COMPUTERS”Cover Your Tracks”CPU-301This workshop introduces students to the frightening reality that in the virtual world “deleted” doesn’t always mean “gone.” Whether it’s Internet porn or Internet porn you wish to leave no trace of, this hands-on experience will show you how to keep your Internet activity undiscovered by your spouse, employer or congregation. Basic keystroking skills required.PHOTOGRAPHY”Portraiture”PHO-202Emphasis: The one-handed self-portrait.The first one-handed self-portrait is believed to have been taken approximately 12 minutes after the camera was invented. This course explores this classic form as it applies to the age of digital photography, where holding your camera at arm’s length and taking a blurry, poorly framed shot of you and your drunken friend’s heads all pressed together is no longer considered a waste of “film.” Includes field trip.HUMANITIES”World Religions”REL-215An open-minded overview of the freaky, backwards, screwed-up things that people other than you believe. Possible field trip to local houses of “worship” for instructor-led pointing and laughing.Materials: Students must be sin-free and provide own stones.FOREIGN LANGUAGE”Eventual Spanish”LAN-01For the student who thinks they should really get around to learning Spanish some day.The class will explore the different ways of explaining that some day, probably soon, you will sign up for a Spanish class, because you really think that communication is the key to harmony, and you are all for harmony, and despite the abundance of Spanish classes you haven’t gotten around to it just yet, but you will, because you really think you should.Prerequisite: Pre-Spanish – “I Understand More Than I Speak.” VTContact Barry Smith at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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