Crutley, thy name is woman
It’s a well-documented fact that men will do anything to visit a chick’s hot zone.As a teen, I once took up cross-country running for the sake of a cute blonde who excelled at track. I ended up sucking wind not tit.Years later, I studied Islam when a stunning Moroccan beauty promised access to her occupied territories if I read the Koran.I prayed five times a day, swore off the White Man’s Pork and took up arms for jihad. In the end, I became a martyr for love and she ran off with a Lutheran money manager.In grad school, I made a special covenant with a Jewish American Princess and circumcised myself with a rusty nail to prove my devotion to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.All it got me was a trip to the emergency room and an embarrassing mention in News of the Weird.Nowadays, I won’t life a finger for love. The girls I date do things my way, then hit the highway. Why should I open a door for my special lady of the moment? Are her hands broken? Why drop 50 bucks on sushi, when a can of DintyMore Beef Stew is warming on the hotplate? All this brings me to director Neil Labute’s The Shape of Things, a fairly dull work that illustrated the vile nature of females.The story centers on three college chums and how one extremely sexy performance artists screws with their lives for the sake of art.LaBute, who normally specializes in misogyny, uses a babe (Rachel Weisz) to deliver a bag of rotten goods to a sorry sap who falls under her spell. The fool of the moment is a four-eyed nerd, who let’s this feline serpent control his life and transform his world in 18 weeks.We first meet the babe, Evelyn, inside an art museum where she is about to deface a huge sculpture. She’s dressed in a cute belly shirt embossed with a juicy red apple. Moments later her sappy, future boy toy, Adam, turns weak in the knees and asks her for a date.The two could not have less in common. Evelyn is a wildcat. She enjoys sex in public places, outrageous acts of defiance and videotaping her carnal desires.Adam, by contrast, is an overweight, greasy-haired, corduroy-wearing loser, who has not traveled south of a woman’s waistline since the 11th grade.Opposites attract and love blooms. And while Evelyn tells Adams that "he’s cute," she quickly suggests dramatic changes in his life.Being a puppy love loser, Adams follows her commands. He drops 25 pounds of fat, gets contacts, de-greases his hair, loses the thrift store garb and dons designer gear.Suddenly Adam is a stud. He flirts with other girls, cheats on the sexy Svengali and eventually gets tossed from Evelyn’s sexual Eden in a most public way.The Shape of Things delivers a very nice, vicious payoff. Trouble is, it takes 90 long minutes to arrive at the tasty blowback.What’s more, Evelyn walks away from the disaster she created with a smug smile on her face, while Adam – like so many men before him – takes it up the sphincter without complaint.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to warm up the hotplate.Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who thinks it is better to rent women than date them.