Dear Darwin column: The advantages of dating a Cro-Mag
VAIL CO, Colorado
The last Dear Darwin column discussed a recent study in the journal Science that was widely publicized. It revealed that most humans outside of Africa have anywhere from 1-4 percent Neanderthal DNA in their genes. This means that, in the last several hundred thousand years, the two species surely met bed-on. The result was organisms such as Rush Limbaugh.
The question is, what might have inspired the first human to defect and go to the “other side”? Below is a listing of the advantages of marrying or dating a Neanderthal:
1. Flank-steak feet pajamas for the young ones.
2. You’ll have a ski instructor in the family.
3. As you exit the church after the wedding, you’ll experience the ritualistic throwing of coconuts.
4. You’ll quickly become an in-law of Rush Limbaugh’s.
5. Marriage only requires a dowry of nine coconuts.
6. Something old, something new, something fury.
7. You’ll produce children with aerodynamically shaped foreheads. Their sloped foreheads will aid them in becoming well-known AM radio talk-show hosts. This one’s also for you, Rush.
8. Your offspring will get the gene that makes them resistant to bark-beetle infestation.
9. You can look forward to walking your pet wholly mammoth at night.
10. No need for forks.
12. No need for teeth.
13. Instead of taking your car to a mechanic that has been in business for 20 years, you’ll take it to some guy that read a few articles on how to fix cars. Then, when making decisions about world geopolitics, you’ll listen to the guys that have read a few articles about certain issues rather than listening to professionals with doctoral degrees that do research in their fields. This is otherwise known as believing Republican rhetoric that states that global warming is not caused by man.
14. You’ll gain access to a hot new, 8-track stereophonic player.
15. Prenuptial agreements designed to protect the wealthier party from exposure to heavy coconut loss.
Eagle County resident Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. Email him with column ideas at email@example.com.