Dear Darwin: Flamethrower free with cable
May 1, 2011
That’s right, folks – the Dish Network is now offering a free flamethrower with the purchase of a new media package. No, not at the Kabul K-mart in Afghanistan, in Pleasant-ville, Mont.
Actually, a Radio Shack dealer in Hamilton, Mont., really is offering a free handgun to new subscribers. When questioned about the marketing ploy, the owner of the store was quoted as saying, “The guns will help customers ward off any bears on the hunt for porridge and a couch to crash on as they catch up with ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and ‘Yogi and Booboo’ episodes.”
Finally! A company that gets the link between ThighMaster infomercials, guns and flame-throwers. Cougar divorcees have been eating this deal up. For this reason, all men should be warned about any ThighMaster-flamethrower pairings.
Gentlemen, if, while spying on your ex, you see that she’s taking Pilates classes, crankin’ on the ThighMaster, and balancing on one foot on her balcony with her arms outstretched and her eyes closed for extended periods, you’d better beware. M’am-bo is fixin’ to take you – the guy who has been riding a skateboard to work since the settlement – down.
Oh, I forgot to mention that new Dish Network customers can actually choose between a $50 pizza voucher or a handgun. The company hopes that people will opt for the handgun, though, as pepperoni and mushroom inventories have been in a freefall since the inception of the campaign.
It appears that, while waiting for their pizzas, people have been sneaking into Pizza Hut coolers and stuffing their socks and shoes with the highly sought-after toppings. To stem the depletion of pepperoni reserves around the world, Pizza Hut has implemented a new security policy: All patrons must remove their shoes prior to leaving the store.
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Though effective, the strategy is not fool proof. People have slipped past the pepperoni checkpoint by climbing out of those odd-shaped Pizza Hut roofs. These same folks have later surfaced in hospital burn wards. They accidentally set themselves on fire while striking the bottoms of their shoes, apparently in an attempt to reheat the pepperonis. The high number of hospital admissions did not go unnoticed by authorities and, thus, prompted the Federal Aviation Authority to launch an investigation.
During the investigation, however, FAA call centers were inundated with inquiries of yet another crisis. Robyn Okrant, the woman who follows Oprah’s advice to a T, smuggled her flamethrower aboard a Cessna N-2164. She was apparently distraught about Oprah’s decision to cancel her show. As she shot fireballs out of the wobbly Cessna at Dish headquarters, people could hear her shouting: “How the hell am I supposed to know what to wear to work tomorrow?”
Due to high call volume, FAA officials routed calls to air traffic control towers around the country. Calls went unanswered, however, possibly because controllers were knocked out from taking in too many late-night Twinkies.
Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. Email him with column ideas a firstname.lastname@example.org.