Dear Darwin: Muppets threaten to occupy Sesame Street | VailDaily.com
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Dear Darwin: Muppets threaten to occupy Sesame Street

Robert Valko
Dear Darwin
Vail, CO, Colorado

An uprising is budding among the furry insurgents of Zucchini Park, a new public space on the set of Sesame Street. It appears that 99 percent of the muppet cast is threatening to occupy the park if their demands are not met by noon on Monday.

The muppets are deeply upset about the unequal distribution of cookies. The Cookie Monster has been hording all of the macadamia nut and chocolate chip delights, leaving only crumbs and a few half eaten oatmeal raisin.

Known as Cookie-gate, the movement has gone viral. Miss Piggy has even jumped on the bandwagon, though her motivation was more personal. After tossing Kermit across the park because she wasn’t famous yet, she broke out in song, snorting and grunting her way through “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” by Twisted Sister.



Though he too was concerned about the imbalance in snickerdoodles and sugar cookies, the Snuffleupagus was spotted on top of the world’s largest pumpkin in sunglasses and a headband chanting, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

On the brighter side of things, camping out in Zucchini Park gave Bert an opportunity to catch up on his pigeon watching and paperclip collecting. (It appears the stack of papers that resulted from the Occupy Sesame petition required a sea of paperclips.) While other members of the cast were out birding and protesting about the shortage of nutty bars, he was out pigeoning. As he glared down the barrels of his binoculars in cross-eyed amusement at the pigeons surrounding his feet, he said: “Though the pigeons are fascinating, it’s really the paper clips that brought me out here today.”

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Free spirit Ernie was spotted frolicking gaily around Times Square in a white toga with a group of very hairy Krishnas.

When asked approximately how many muppets were in attendance, Countess von Backwards started counting backwards and came up with a tally of 7,093. “Who knew we had such a wicked-big cast?” she said.

All protested by leaving the set and venturing out onto Broadway, where they joined Miss Piggy in her righteous refrain against those in power – in her denouncement of those who are famous and have stockpiles of peanut butter cups and cake. (It should be noted that later that day, the manager of the show allowed them to eat cake.) As the cast marched, they echoed Miss Piggy’s cries about not taking it anymore.



When they came upon the Wicked Witch of Wall Street, they grew concerned about their fuzzy pelts and her habit of flinging fireballs around. A terrified Miss Piggy stopped and said “What do we do now?” This was repeated by her followers.

It just so happens that a similar phrase was repeated by members of some weird group called Occupy Wall Street. When getting off a subway train in New York after being kicked out of Zuccotti Park, the leader of one of the group’s faction’s said. “What do we do now?” this was promptly repeated by his followers. Go to npr.org and search Occupy Protestors Fan Out Across New York to hear this highly organized militia in action.

Email Eagle County resident Robert Valko with column ideas at vailko@yahoo.com.


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