Dear Darwin: Wanted: Divorce planners

Statistics show that 49 percent of American adults are not married, and the trend is expected to rise. This is bad news for men, but good news for English majors and Occupy Sesame Street protesters. Now, Kermit, myself, memoir-writers, Pee Wee Herman and George Michaels, will have a second chance at eeking out a living.

How so? The trend away from marriage will provide countless new career opportunities in the field of divorce planning. This will be a blow to the fast-food industry though: According to Garrison Keeler, English majors are the best drive-through cashiers and fry-cooks. Fry-cook headhunters may now have to look to out-of-work electricians to replace the English majors. (As a psychology major, I’m exempt from being headhunted by Burger King management trainees. Instead, my talent is reserved for the highly lucrative field of part-time children’s ski instruction – holiday style: biting kids, lost parents.

Obama is currently promoting a measure in the National Jobs Act that will provide $18 trillion to those who wish to become certified divorce planners. Due to the economy and poor housing starts, Joe the Plumber has decided to take the intensive three-week course. He will be attending the U of K Mart.

The countless traditions that go with marriage – rice and coconut throwing, jumping off the Gondola, and the acquisition of something new, something borrowed, something furry – will carry over into the divorce ceremonies.

And, instead of a smiling and holding hands during the cake cutting, the newly-Ds will pose for the camera by grinning daggers and thrusting ribbon and flower-adorned knives and spatulas at each other. The final picture of the cake-cutting ceremony will show the two shoving tube socks in each others’ throats.

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Then, as the ex-groom slides his hand up his former’s leg to reach her garter, she’ll give him a swift kick in the chops with her steel-toe slippers.

During the flower toss, all single women will hide in the bathroom.

The take-home memorabilia for the guests will be placed on their table settings, just below the seating assignment cards. The trinkets will include shards of broken plates, from more peaceful times.

Email Eagle County resident Robert Valko with column ideas at vailko@yahoo.com.