Dear Dow Jones
Dear Dow Jones,I wish I had a name as cool as yours. Where the hell did you get that name anyway?Listen buddy, I know things have been a bit rough for you over the past, oh, six or seven ungodly years, but we’re there. We made it back! We clawed, we scraped, we hustled, we bustled, and finally we hit an all time high. And you know what really sucks about the whole situation? No one cares. Oh sure, they sipped their champagne and gave a bunch of sugar-coated lip service to the accomplishment, but when the push came to the shove they ripped into your 30-piece puzzle like a lawyer prosecuting the Enron case (don’t ask).It must hurt to read those articles about how you’re still 17 percent below an all-time high after adjusting for inflation (or is it stagflation), or how you’re not even a true indicator of the stock market in the first place. But I don’t want you getting down on yourself – screw those uppity economist jerks. Who do they think they are – Ben Bernanke? You’re kicking the pants off the S&P 500 and the NASDAQ which are down 12 and a miserable 54 percent respectively. You worked hard, and you deserve some recognition damn-it. Maybe you should take a vacation go ahead treat yourself. Head on down to the Caribbean and throw back a few with the Nikkei index and that wrangled pack of Janus mutual funds. Those hommies know how to party! Maybe you could even pick yourself up a lonely little bond fund. Huh? Huh? Who would turn down a man named Dow?So I just want to tell you that I’m here for you. You and your 30buddies can come over and hang whenever you want.So now that we’re holding hands and singing Kumbaya, I need to apologize for my little tirade about five years ago. Go ahead; throw me in the fair-weather category, I dont mind. Ill be the first to admit that I was screaming bloody murder during the dark years of 2000-2002 when you decided to stop taking your medication and crumbled like a stale cookie. What the hell was that? And who the hell do you think you are? I swear, if you pull that bulls**t again I’ll … O.K., that’s enough of that. The bottom line (hee hee) is that we’re back to being buds and from now on I’ll be with you through bull and bear. Unless, of course …Send John Poole some irrational exuberance at firstname.lastname@example.org
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