Delicious irony for the hungry | VailDaily.com
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Delicious irony for the hungry

It is with sad, pious irony that Terri Schiavo dies after having a feeding tube removed and the pope does the same only days after having one inserted.Nature’s path is sometimes unpredictable.But then we have Jerry Falwell over in Virginia on a feeding tube of oxygen, otherwise known as a respirator, and for some reason we can’t seem to have him transferred to a hospital in Florida. Any hospice will do, but nooooooo. I guess we’ll have to wait for Jesse Jackson to arrive so we can all relish in that particularly convenient racial irony for awhile longer.Continuing this ironic theme, here in Colorado we have a convicted rapist and murderer whose death sentence has been overturned by the Colorado Supreme Court because a juror carried a book considered by some to be “independent legal material” into the jury room.The book, which apparently was capable of prejudicing the jury by osmosis, was the Bible.Now, any of you who have paid the least amount of attention to my babblings over the last five and a half years has a clue as to my thoughts on the Bible. While containing a plethora of amicable allegories with a touch of moralistic fables, it has been edited tens of thousands of times to the point that one can only guess as to the original wording, yet it still condones slavery and pretty much calls for death by stoning for making a smart remark to Mom and Dad or not being a virgin before marriage.But to overturn a murder conviction simply because an individual was in possession of words written on paper is like changing one;s mind about the holocaust because Mel Gibson’s dad says so.The Bible is a literary book, not a legal document. The jury could quote from Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” or Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” for all I care, as long their collective decision is agreed to by all. That’s the way the system is supposed to work.The bad guy in this sad story, Robert Harlan, kidnapped 25-year-old cocktail waitress Rhonda Maloney back in 1994, raped her at gunpoint for two hours, and then blew her brains out. I say let’s just stone the jerk to death and move on. Locally, we have comical irony with the now bubble-free Vista Bahn being used as a mobile deer stand for short-sighted delinquents with long-barreled BB pistols and a “getaway chair” for inept legal-alien bank robbers.Idiot A: “Hey, let’s rob a bank.”Idiot B: “Yeah, sure mate, which one?”Idiot A: “There’s one right across from where I work. How about that one?”Idiot B: “Crikey, I bank there as well! Let’s do it!”Then we come to feed-the-hand-that-bites-you irony of tipping.A local waitress made the unfortunate mistake of thinking anybody would care about her personal complaints with the Happy Valley food and beverage industry. She began by stressing that she did not want to “come off sounding greedy or arrogant.”Oops, too late.Proceeding with a foot wedged firmly between her lips, she then attempted to amaze us with her economic grasps of inflation, noting that “everything else has gone up in price except the tipping average.”Sorry, sweetheart, but as the “average” ticket for a meal has increased, so have your tips accordingly, hence the progressive nature of inflation. In the future, realize that borrowing logic from the diamond industry will get you nowhere.The insults continued until final ransom was made in the form of all but demanding 20 percent on each meal, or simply not bothering to eat out at all. The only item missing was the location of this X-Gen version of a philanthropist’s employer so the rest of us will know which restaurant to avoid.And then we have the political irony of loco-local land development. Do-gooders scream for Bair Ranch and win, thus emptying the brand new cookie jar that was just beginning to fill. Before refilling can even begin though, they holler for Eaton Ranch, and this time have to reach across the counter into the sugar bowl to help satisfy their desires.Now we have, in order of total acreage, local developer Merv Lapin and his Red Mountain Ranch project with 442 acres, 350 multi-family units and 450,000 square feet of commercial and retail; Texas developer Jeff Ryan and his 680 acres with 19 homes overlooking Edwards; Swedish developer Magnus Lindholm and his 1,800 acres, 2,400 residential units and 650,000 square feet of retail; and Florida developer Bobby Ginn and his 5,400 acres, 875 homes, private ski resort and private golf course – none of which can be touched by the do-gooders because there are no more jars on the counter to scrounge from.Finally, on a personal note, the how-could-they-think-that irony of the recent Tipsline suggestion that I am “somewhat of a believer in creationism.”To be blunt, they could not be more wrong if they had been on the Robert Blake jury or pulled a college all-nighter and still cheated to make sure all of their answers were incorrect. Evolution’s da bomb, baby. Nothing is more rational than scientific fact.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado


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