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Dictation the hard way

Staff Reports

The economic eggheads on Wall Street like to blame the nation’s ever-expanding recession on corporate theft, war fears and the fact that President Bush never learned math.While these theories might sit well with Adam Smith, I believe today’s financial follies can be blamed on a dearth of office sex.After all, nothing guarantees worker productivity and corporate loyalty like some fun and giggles in the wash room with a randy young filly from the secretarial pool.Stock options, health benefits and matching 401K plans are fine perks, but 99 percent of the modern work force would come in early, stay late and labor through Christmas Eve if the old 9 to 5 included a regular romp with a sexpot.History proves my point.American life was grand in the Roaring Twenties thanks to illegal booze, legal reefer and loose flappers.Boom times returned again in the 1950s a period known for massive economic expansion, three martini lunches and no sexual harassment lawsuits.Economic malaise, long gas lines and military weakness lingered under Jimmy Carter, a man who kept lust confined to his heart, not his pants.The Clinton years, by contrast, will also go down as a time of unparalleled economic expansion, global peace and blatant naughtiness.Federal Reserve chief Alan Greenspan can tinker with interest rates until he overdoses on Viagra, but the Dow Jones won’t rise about 9,000 until pants start dropping across the boardrooms of this great land.All of this brings me to Secretary, a wonderful yarn about office politics, employer-employee relations and art of spanking.Secretary tells the tale of a troubled young guttersnipe named Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal). The lass enjoys punishing herself and spends clandestine hours cutting her arms, legs and tender parts.That deviant behavior gets her a short trip to the booby hatch. Upon release, Lee heads into the working world determined to be the best darn secretary she can be.Serendipity strikes when Lee applies for work at the well-manicured law office of Mr. E. Edward Grey (James Spader).Spader, who is no stranger to the world of odd-ball Indy roles, outdoes himself portraying a sexually deviant clean freak, with a S&M fetish.The film gives little insight into Grey’s legal skills and focuses on the attorney’s struggle to find a secretary worthy of his stern dictation.Lee not only meets, but she exceeds his degenerate style of office duty.After just six months on the job, Lee is transformed from a self-mutilating, sniveling loser, into a passionate masochist, who ultimately teachers her freaked-out boss the meaning of true romance.Prudes, virgins and people from Colorado Springs should take a pass on Secretary. But if you are interested in a slightly offbeat love story, this ones for you.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the building to purchase a new riding crop.Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who believes S&M means never saying you’re sorry.


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