Early humans and Neanderthals exchanged dance moves
Vail CO Colorado
A recent Dear Darwin piece focused on an increasingly difficult question to answer: What are men good for? Though there are many competing hypotheses as to how the remote-control hording gender gained a foothold on this planet, we determined that our primary reason for existing is to keep golf courses free of alien species that waddle and quack.
We typically do this by taking aim at Canadian geese while hitting the golf ball down the fairway. It should be noted that this behavior dramatically increases in the presence of beverage carts.
Though this hypothesis is currently in vogue in the break-rooms of many Kmarts, another proposal suggests that men came into being to help ward off the chickenpox.
Sort of. In all seriousness, men exist because reproducing with a partner (rather than alone or, asexually, as George Michaels and Pee Wee Herman will have to do), results in the mixing of two sets of genes rather than the mere replication – cloning – of one.
This blending of genes makes us more resistant to viruses and parasites. Genetic recombination is also the reason that mixed-breed dogs and animals typically live longer and have less health problems than purebreds.
Does this mean that, in our ancestral past, exchanging Saturday Night Fever poses with a Neanderthal and then gettin’ jiggy with her or him might have created a super species? One that was resistant to schizophrenia, the idea that everyone’s out to get you, and hardening of the brain? Apparently not.
A recent study in the journal Science revealed that early Homo sapiens actually did get busy with Neanderthals. The end result was Rush Limbaugh.
In truth, the genetic study revealed that most people outside of Africa have some Neanderthal genes in their DNA – 1 to 4 percent. This means that, at some point over the last 200,000 years, the two species surely met bed-on.
Unfortunately, Limbaugh did not get the gene that makes Republicans resistant to the belief that Democrats surround their houses at night and burn Republican voodoo dolls.
Indeed, he recently had a similar vision. He said that Hurricane Irene was blown up by the “leftist press” for Obama’s reelection purposes. In Limbaugh’s view, when Obama cut his vacation short to prepare for Irene, he appeared as a type of savior, surely enhancing his reelection prospects.
This proves that Mother Nature is a Democrat and confirms Freud’s notion of projection. (As a reminder, it states that people subconsciously deny their distasteful behavioral tendencies and project them onto others.)
Incidentally, my own genetic testing reveled that I have 2.5 percent Neanderthal DNA. The rest is fluffer-nutter.
Eagle County resident Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. Email him with column topics at email@example.com