ELF continues its arsonist ways | VailDaily.com

ELF continues its arsonist ways

On New Year’s Day in Erie, Pa., a group of these loony little munchkins attacked several SUVs (without provocation, I understand) at Bob Ferrando Ford Lincoln Mercury, destroying four of the evil vehicles and damaging a few others to an estimated tune of $90,000.

Rumor has it the SUVs – apparently priced at the low-end of their class – did not fight back.

According to witnesses, the diminutive deviants drove a gas-powered Gremlin on tax-funded roads and used oil-based chemicals as a propellant to blow up the gas-powered SUVs that are produced to drive on tax-funded roads using oil-based chemicals as propellants.

The anonymous members of ELF (Earth Liberation Front) claim to be part of an “international underground organization that uses direct action in the form of economic sabotage to stop the destruction of the natural environment.”

This would be like callers to TIPSLine torching a few local newspaper boxes in order to stop the Wall Street Journal from printing any further editions.

They also claim over the last five years to have caused $45 million in damages to entities that “profit from the destruction of life,” $12 million of which came from our very own little Happy Valley.

Some of you, besides Lloyds of London of course, just might remember.

On the night of Oct. 18, 1998, a few of these vertically challenged mutants perpetrated the largest act of ecoterrorism in U.S. history.

According to witnesses, the orange-haired goblins were seen sprinkling petrol-flavored pixie dust around the base of Two Elk Restaurant while singing one of their many favored Oompah-Loompah tunes.

Immediate results were three burnt buildings, four scorched ski lifts, one angry insurance company, and a longtime local firefighter being immortalized for snapping one particularly fascinating (in a morbid sort of way) photograph.

This shows what can happen when dwarfs possessing IQs equal to one-half the octane level of their weapon are allowed to gather in an uncontrolled atmosphere.

In response to ELF’s attempt to use “economic sabotage to stop the destruction of the natural environment,” Vail Resorts rebuilt Two Elf – excuse me, Two ELK – and made it 33 percent bigger, with the end result requiring three times as many trees being cut down as would have been if they had just left it alone in the first place. To top it off, the replacement costs were covered by insurance and Vail Resorts ended up having the highest mountain revenue totals in history for that fiscal year, not to mention the community rallied closer together for the first time in over a decade.

Quick, what’s the difference between ecoterrorists, Islamic terrorists, Hussein and Jung? (I mean besides the obvious nut-case factor.)

The last two hold power over people, while the first two wish they did. However, all four are convinced that extreme violence is the only way to accomplish goals.

An updated look at our little anarchists’ anti-capitalist friends finds them now in cahoots with ALF, that moronic little space alien with the failed TV series from decades past that now is relegated to performing long-distance ads with former sports stars.

You know, now that I think about it though, maybe it’s not the repugnant little puppet, but the nauseating animal rights group playing partners.

Yeah, that’s it. Those annoying self-righteous walking fruitcakes whose ALF (Animal Liberation Front) Web site contains the following statement concerning their own built-in hypocrisy: “One can assert an hypothesis A that would carry as a corollary hypothesis B. If one then fails to assert B, one is hypocritical, but this does not necessarily make A false. Certainly, to assert A and not B would call into question one’s credibility, but it entails nothing about the validity of A.”

My, that certainly cleared things up for me.

What makes these people different from the Taliban is a mere lack of sand. They will not be happy until 99 percent of us are dead and buried, leaving them, of course, to start over fresh in newly carpeted caves.

Just like us, they wear clothes made by man from materials collected from animals and plants. They use computers, cell phones, TVs, stereos, microwave ovens and drive vehicles made by man powered by fuels collected by man. They live in homes constructed by man using materials collected from nature. They eat food grown and cultivated by man using animals and plants as sources. They have sex (presumably) with one another, thus creating more ELFs and ALFs who will wear clothes, embrace technology, drive cars, live in homes, eat and have more sex.

I assume that each of these ALF-loving ELFs are bipeds capable of the “concept of self” and making moral judgments, thus verifying them as human.

What I cannot understand is their lack of ability to understand that simple fact.

Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.net

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