Fair and balanced: I’m your man | VailDaily.com

Fair and balanced: I’m your man

Richard Carnes

Stop laughing.

Come on, I mean it. I really am your guy.

Need proof? Why, just take a look at the major events affecting most of us here in Happy Valley at the moment.

Take that Kobe fellow, for instance. He’s guilty of a lot of things, like adultery, above-the-law arrogance, hiring morally-challenged attorneys, and being a very good b-ball player when he’s not hurt. However, I have no idea if he is truly guilty or innocent of the crime with which he has been charged, and therefore the poor sap might have lost tens of millions needlessly all because he wanted a little quickie on the side while in Colorado last summer.

See what I mean? Fair AND balanced.

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I’m so middle of the road you might as well call me “Stripe.”

And how much does that particular issue actually affect us? To tell the truth, not much.

Not much at all.

Anyway, a few folks seemed to take offense two weeks ago concerning something I said. For candor’s sake, let’s euphemistically refer to them as liberals. One even went so far as to call my words a pseudo editorial, although that’s like saying President Bush is a pseudo president. (All those who just yelled out loud at the newspaper need to close their eyes, count to 10, and realize that the election’s been a done deal for more than three years now, and it’s time to get over it)

The distinction is pretty much black or white, folks, no room for any gray that I can see. An “editorial” is the opinion of a newspaper on an issue written by the editor (duh), while a “commentary” is the opinion of an individual written by said individual.

If you’re still having trouble understanding the difference, then might I suggest a new pair of reading glasses.

Where was I? Oh yes, fair and balanced.

Seeing how I don’t recall writing anything offensive (I’m pretty sure I used honest opinions), but just to show you what kind of guy I really am, especially in the spirit of today’s title, I pledge to write a commentary comprised of the same type of vitriolic tripe about conservatives, as soon as I can find something about them that I completely disagree with.

There I go again, both F and B.

Yep, there are two sides to every coin, and I sincerely attempt to look at both before compiling an opinion.

Take the controversial blue lights on the new bridge in Edwards, for another example. Blue is a pleasing color for most, giving the overpass a festive aura year-round, yet going with white instead might not offend our depressed citizens, of which there seems to be a plethora of lately. For that matter, the possibility might exist for no lights at all along that short stretch of roadway. It’s not like anyone’s dumb enough to attempt a turn mid-bridge and end up in the Eagle.

Skiers vs. snowboarders: Skiing is great, and one of my kids claims the same for boarding. More have died skiing, for sure (dude), but in a few decades the odds might be relatively even. One dresses somewhat silly, but the other seems to think age overrules fashion sense when it comes to ownership of public lands. Both right, both wrong. Is it possible to be more democratic?

Booze and sex used to entice college students: Jeez, who’d a thunk? While moral vices are only called such by the callee, absence of ignorance is not necessarily ignorance of abstinence (yuk-yuk). While not wishing to see young people make possibly bad decisions based upon hormones instead of common sense, I would hate to deprive them of the uniquely American educational opportunities provided by pole-dancing and the maturing art of jello-shot slamming.

Robert Atkins death: Dying of obesity is not necessarily a bad thing if one thoroughly enjoyed the act of becoming obese. The guy made a fortune convincing the blissfully gullible that fat-laden meals not only taste better, they’re better for you. Besides, are we not just as dead if we die skinny?

Accusing other columnists of horrible atrocities with shred-free evidence: We’ll skip this one, since I do have my limitations.

Have faith, for as long as our planet continues to spin on its axis in the same direction, I will never run out of subjects to remain subjective upon.

Excuse me, I mean ob-jective.

So please, by all means (LTEs and/or TIPSLine), continue to suggest subjects worthy of public discussion and where I should stick what when it comes to my opinion. Fair and balanced will always be my yardstick and, just like Velcro on impartiality, I’m your literary measurement of moderation.

You can count on me.

Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.net

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