Fun with wiretaps! |

Fun with wiretaps!

Matt Zalaznick

If we’re going to be wiretapped, we might as well have some fun. I’m going to start answering the phone with, “You’ve reached Hezbollah, may I help you plan a hijacking?”But just for kicks, of course. I want to see who’s listening to me chatter with my mother about my sister’s wedding this spring. If enough of us do it, maybe we can jam the data banks in snoop central and they’ll go back to minding their own business – which is tracking down actual evildoers, not casting a dragnet from sea to shining sea and hauling in any hapless madman who’s dumb enough to divulge his plans over the phone.If the wacko’s that dumb, he’s probably not that dangerous. The real evildoers are famous for using benign language to disguise bombings and other attacks. For example, to convey that “The football stadium will be blown to bits in the third quarter,” they’ll say, “The camels will eat their ice cream cones after the best man makes his toast.”Instead of “We shall detonate the dirty bomb on the subway,” they say “I’ll have the pastrami on rye, hold the mustard.”So to get the attention of the secret creeps who are eavesdropping on America’s pratling, I suggest using “reverse code” in your phone conversations. Disguise the following small talk – “I’ll meet you at Starbucks for lattes at 10 a.m.” – with “When they get a taste of our extra-horrible new chemical weapon, they’re going to pray to their heathen God all they had was anthrax.” Instead of “Jenny and me and some others are will be skiing the Back Bowls in the afternoon,” say “Mohammed, Nasser and I shall incinerate the infidels at dawn.” The sneaks will have so many leads they won’t know whose door to kick down first. Because W.’s probably checking our e-mails and Internet searches, too, we can clog the homeland spy system by Googling the following phrases – Al Jazeera, Cindy Sheehan, Zarqawi, Brokeback Mountain, roadside bomb, death to America, Michael Moore, I’m losing my civil liberties – at least three times a day, each. Try a search for “How do I become an insurgent?” or “Bill O’Reilly is a clown” or “Setting up a terrorist cell in 15 easy minutes.” That should get the snoopmongers alarmed. Because they are going to listen to us until we Americans stop giving them the mandate to trample our freedoms of privacy and speech. If we keeping voting for folks like Chairman Cheney, we are saying we believe him when he tells us the world’s about to end and that we want him to “protect” us by any means possible. Please, our votes cry through the looming mushroom clouds, put surveillance cameras on every streetlight and keep a list of the books I buy – and let me know if I’m not reading the right ones. Uncle Dickey, please make sure I don’t subscribe to any subversive magazines or have any unpatriotic thoughts. Wanna put a chip in my brain? Like a good tryant, Darth Cheney doesn’t make any sense. He says he sent our troops to Iraq to fight and die for our freedom, although Saddam wasn’t threatening our freedom. Send 150,000 troops after Osama; he’s the one who wants to wipe us off the map. Convince China and Russia to help us shut down North Korea; they’ve got the kind of bombs that could really cause trouble on Main Street. But, like W., Dark Side Dickie also doesn’t ask Americans to make any sacrifices for their freedom – the emperor only wants us to sacrifice our freedom.Mordor Dickie and his slobbering orcs say if snooping on Americans stops one attack, the desecration of the Constitution has been worth it. But if we are a free nation and our refusal to spy on ourselves allows terrorists attack us, even kill some of us, isn’t that dying for our freedom and red, white and blue way of life? City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14620, or Vail, Colorado

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