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Getting screwed by Shannon Elizabeth

Staff Reports

And after nine rounds with Jose CuervoThey were countin’ me out, an’ I was about to give inAnd after ten rounds with Jose CuervoI lost count and started counting again- Tracy Byrd, “Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo”TELLURIDE Jared took his oath seriously. Upon entering the newly-declared CuervoNation outpost of Telluride last Friday, he raised his glass and recited it with conviction.” CuervoNation is a Free and Independent State of Mind, whose citizens are absolved from all allegiance to the status quo, and where all connection between them and the State of Boredom, Shyness and Inhibition is and ought to be totally dissolved.”Let that be a lesson to you, Jared. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.Jared Blue Sky is a fun-loving young hooligan not quite reminiscent of snowboarding’s maladroit “gangster era.” I wouldn’t call him threatening, but I wouldn’t loan him my car either. I probably couldn’t hang riding at his home hill in Squaw Valley, Cali, and I wasn’t about to attempt the feat at the bar. His was a stout mix of exuberance and inebriation.The 23-year-old Tahoe local originally from Rochester, Vt., made the most of a recent 6-inch powder day in Telluride by besting a field of 18 invitees in a snowboard race and Thrill Hill tubing extravaganza while wearing a bright orange T-shirt that read “New York Waste Management” on the chest. Afterward, he took a shot of tequila and vented his spleen.”They hate me because I don’t sugar-coat it,” he told me after offering this gem of a sound byte when race organizers asked him his favorite part of the party weekend on camera: “Um, I dunno. Maybe not going heliboarding?”You’ve got to hand it to him. The wild-eyed rough and tumble straight shooter certainly embodies the spirit of the CuervoNation, as well as snowboarding. And he was, after all, in Telluride to represent both.Jared and the other racers were in town as citizens of the CuervoNation Snow Fest, a promotion offering lucky winners a trip to Telluride where they would join hot young actress Shannon Elizabeth of “American Pie” and “American Pie 2″ fame for a day of heliboarding. The bodacious 25-year-old bombshell from LA/Texas was to plant the flag of the CuervoNation atop a 14,000-foot peak, then lead her loyal subjects down the mountain and through a series of snow-themed activities like NASTAR and tube races for a chance to win a weekend on Jose’s CuervoNation island in the West Indies.”I actually have a plaque they sent me that says, ‘Congratulations, you have won the ultimate heliboarding experience from CuervoNation,'” Jared said. “I got screwed.”True dat.The heli was a no show, and after blowing off the welcome reception, Elizabeth spent the next morning taking a snowboard lesson from her private instructor, in baggy clothes no less. Promises of full-moon hot tub parties morphed into illegal late-night poaching under a waning crescent. And a perfectly good powder day was harshly interrupted by a tubing (?) race.Ultimate my ass.But Jared didn’t get so screwed as some of his neighbors. Despite his assessment of Elizabeth as “whatever,” he is, after all, going to the Caribbean for a free weekend of unbridled debauchery. And he earned his trip through snowboarding, or some facsimile thereof, where others suffered through a “Colorado Sunrise” (snorting a line of salt through a straw, taking six shots of Cuervo gold and squirting a lime in their eye) to get here.Of course, they also could have entered the sweepstakes on the internet.As for the movie star, well, she appeared to care less about the whole affair, saying, “We don’t take trips to snow unless we have to do stuff like this. If we’re going to take a voluntary trip anywhere, it’s going to be somewhere sunny and warm.”But Jared, he was in it for the snow. And while he didn’t get a helicopter ride to the top of the San Juans, he did get a taste of the ski and snowboard gem that is Telluride on a powder day, admitting in the end that he managed to have a good time.”I’m not fandangular or anything, just a little special,” he said before skating across the horizon line with his pals “Pistachio” and “The Dude.” “Wanna go hot box the gondola with us? We need to have a little safety meeting before we go get trashed.”Scott Willoughby recently forfeited his citizenship from the CuervoNation and is seeking asylum in a bottle of Marker’s Mark. He can be reached at scott_willoughby@hotmail.com.


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