Gift tips for Happy Valley dummies |

Gift tips for Happy Valley dummies

Richard Carnes

You have 18 days, 17 if you deliver “it” on time. You thought about “it” while unwrapping presents last Christmas, eating chocolate on Valentine’s Day, traveling in Meh-hi-co during spring break, golfing on Memorial weekend, watching the parade on July 4, camping on Labor Day weekend, toasting a frosty one during Oktoberfest, dancing at the Halloween party, standing in line to vote on election day and, briefly, while stuffing your face at Thanksgiving.Now you barely have two weeks to buy every single gift for every single person on your list (including those you have forgotten), and you haven’t even started yet.Welcome to my world.Face it, we’re selfish Happy Valley twits who think more about ourselves and our own needs way before even considering spending two or three of our hard earned dollars on someone else, unless of course you are a single male and the gift is for that particular female you’ve been trying to convince of your sincerity after three outrageously expensive dates.Either way, first thing to do – aw, screw it, just go skiing.No-no-no, we can’t do that. We must concentrate on the issue before us and not simply shrug off the consequences of once again procrastinating like official I-70 corridor long-term planners.First, look at all the crap you received last year but never opened. You never know what handy-dandy little item of non-importance and utter improbable use could suddenly become practical in the hands of some other unsuspecting chump.However, if you already tossed those in the trash or attempted to make yourself feel better by donating them to the Save A Lynx Foundation (if such a thing still exists), then let’s brush off those dusty memory cells and remember a few basic gift-buying rules before purchasing.To begin with, if the gift is for a female that you have “had relations” with or wish to do so, no matter what you buy it will be right. If the gift is for a wife (current or ex), no matter what you buy it will be wrong. Like a morning-after liberal on Nov. 3, deal with it, accept it and move on.Next, spending more money on one individual than you would consider spending for yourself is not only foolish but selfish in a capitalistic society. Where would our democratic economy be if we failed to think of ourselves first? Buy for yourself up front, not taking the frivolous chance that those schmucks will remember to get you what you really want (and deserve), and then use the remaining funds to consider purchasing whatever silly little thing they might want.Also important, refrain from spending any money at this year’s annual Grinch Award winner: Target. Any store that refuses Salvation Army Santas and their cute little red kettles deserves some cute little frozen reindeer poop splattered in the middle of their cute little red dot. Jeez, as if secularist liberals needed another bull’s eye to aim for in their hate of corporate America. I hear Wal-Mart is considering gay Santas. …Gifts for women to buy: I strongly urge you to think of the new female Viagra patch. Although not “officially” approved by the FDA last week, availability is rampant on the Internet. Come on, girls, make your guy happy! Gifts for men to buy: I strongly urge you to think of the new female Viagra patch. Although not “officially” approved by the FDA last week, availability is rampant on the Internet. Come on, guys, make your woman happy!”Relations” not a concern with your gift giving? Consider giving the ultimate gift, one that could provide the recipient with a lifetime of material happiness: lottery tickets. Name one other gift that could potentially be worth millions yet only cost a buck?Once you have made your choices, be sure and take off the price tag before wrapping, as it’s no one’s business how much you spent, and how dare they be so damned superficial in the first place. Remember to wrap the gift – no matter how small – in a very large box stuffed with lots of wadded up newspaper (although Speakout! is gone, I’m sure you can find something). The gift will look better under a tree, and you’ll have a few days of groveling mental superiority due to its shear size.One final note. If you were going to follow that ancient tradition passed down through the generations by mailing out those insanely original Christmas cards with fresh pictures of the entire family wearing oh-so-silly Santa hats and the two page letter summarizing what each member has been up to for the last twelve months, forget it, you’re too late.But if you take the pictures now – today – you just might be able to have them finished and ready to go 365 days from now.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado

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