Go geezers, to war
Today the Randy “Titans of Town Talk” Wyrick For Senate Campaign wades into the world of intergalactic conflict, as our drive for the kind of benefits only members of congress enjoy gains the kind of momentum that made Pat Paulsen such a potent political force.Here’s today’s fulmination: “If you’re too young to remember Pat Paulsen, you’re too young to go to war.We don’t know who wrote this, but we love the idea.Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to send old guys. If you’re going to say silly things like, “We’ll fight on,” you should be required to do some of the actual fighting.You also shouldn’t be able to join until you’re at least 45, for lots of good reasons:– Teenagers think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more of the 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.– Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can’t kill the enemy, we’ll complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” “Where’s my remote control?”– An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer yet and you shouldn’t go to war until he’s at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he’s 45 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.– An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys have to get up early (to pee).– If old guys are captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.– Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We’ve also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. Many of our buddies have been in combat and they didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did they ever do any pushups after basic training. We can hear the Drill Sergeant now, “Get down and give me … er … one.”– And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. No one has ever outrun a bullet.– An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 220-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.Old guys have already blown their hearing by listening to too much Led Zepplin at decibel levels higher than canbe heard when a Limbaugh enters a liberal convention.Guys our age – our extremely late 20s – understand the foundations of our Senate campaign: “If It Has Torque, Recoil Compression, Makes a Big Bang or Shoots a Big Bullet, It’s Cool and America Needs More Of It!””Wyrick For Senate: Let Freedom Rip!”
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It’s fitting that Eagle County is proceeding through its reopening phases of COVID-19 in an analogy to ski run difficulties — green to blue to black. Monday marks the transition from the green beginner phase to the blue intermediate phase.