Guru… some cheese doodles |

Guru… some cheese doodles

Barry Smith

Dear Bad Guru,I saw in some Buddha movie that the key to happiness is to free yourself from want. I decided to try that last weekend and it was not pleasant. It was easy enough at first – I just walked around saying, &quotI don’t want anything&quot and giving a dismissive wave of my hand. But as the day wore on I found myself wanting some cheese doodles. This gave way to me wanting a new car, more money, a bigger house, to quit my job, and on and on. Then I realized that I actually WANTED to free myself from want! Huh? How do you sneak around this one?Signed,Wanting HelpWanton,There are loopholes in the Universal Order, of course. The thing is, the Universe is listening to you, but it’s only sorta half listening, like when you’re talking to someone who’s reading the newspaper. This is not to say that you’re not Eternally Loved, it’s just that the Universe is quite busy, and your desire for cheese doodles is lower down on the Universal To Do List than, say, keeping the planets in orbit.With that in mind, let’s go back to the newspaper analogy. If you want to borrow the car of the person reading the paper, you would couch this request in with some small talk. Like this: “Nice day, huh? May rain later, though. Can I use your car? Hey, this salsa is good.”The trick is to not change your inflection or tone, forcing the personwhose car you crave to mutter an offhanded, but still legally binding, &quotUh huh.&quotTry this next weekend. Continue with the dismissive wave thing while announcing to the Universe that you want nothing. Then somewhere in there, right when the Universe thinks it knows your rap, ask for those cheese doodles. I think you’ll be surprised at the results.Dear Bad Guru,Why is it that I insist on telling others what they should be doing toimprove their lives, yet I can’t seem to get my own s___ together? Why am I so quick to judge? Why can’t I just mind my own business?Signed,Do As I Say, Not As I DoDo Do,Mark Twain once said, &quotNothing is so in need of refining as otherpeople’s habits.&quot At first this seems like quite an insightful bit of pith, until you consider that Twain used the N-word a lot.When the Jehovah’s Witnesses comes to your door, do you invite them in to chat or slam the door in their faces? They just want to help, you know.They, like you, truly believe that they know a better way, and it’s because of their love and devotion to humankind that they’ve come to tell you the News, just as you tell others your version of the News. The only real difference between the two of you is that they have pamphlets.Bad Guru thinks you should just keep doing what you’re doing: think your thoughts, believe your beliefs, and point your stubby little finger at others. It’s not like you’re going to stand out or anything.Just don’t go a-pounding on Bad Guru’s door with any of this News,because he’s busy watching Animal Planet.Dear Bad Guru,Explode Your Sex Life! All Natural Alternative!Men of Iron has been featured on over 100 TV News and Top Radio stations across America, and we know why… It REALLY works!Buy Two Bottles and Get One FREE! Formulated for Men! No Doctor Visit required! Click Here to Visit Our Web Site!Signed,Big JohnDear John,Wow! It does work! So much for my vow of celibacy.(Look for Bad Guru’s new book, out this spring: &quotGuRules – Things You Still Haven’t Learned&quot)

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