Hacking up tidbits from the hard drive of life
The synthetic thyroid has been the source of much pleasure in my house, so it wasn’t an easy thing to give up. At some point, though, you just have to move on.The synthetic thyroid is a bit of medical swag, an advertisement for a product known as "Synthroid." I have no idea what this pharmaceutical does, but I should note that on the back of the mock thyroid, which doubles as one of those stress-relieving squeeze toys, it reads, "Put the squeeze on thyroid disease."The first few months after I brought this lil’ thyroid home, my wifeChristina and I would take turns pretending to hack it up. I’d palm it like an amateur magician, launch into an unprovoked coughing fit and eventually jettison the thyroid from my hand, giving the crude illusion that I had just hee hee coughed up my thyroid. A few hours later (because timing is everything) Christina would have a go at it. Man, we had some fun.But that was a few years ago, and now we no longer get the same thrill from hacking up the thyroid, so it’s time to let it go, to make room for whatever’s next.I had it prominently on display during my yard sale last week, but no one saw the humorous potential in it like I once did, so to the landfill it went.I have a computer full of little electronic versions of the thyroid words, thoughts, ideas, quotes and other errata that I once thought useful, but now realize will never capture my fancy again. It’s time, as with the thyroid, to clear these tidbits from my hard drive, so I thought, hey, why not give them one last "hacking up" before I do? Bumper sticker I haven’t seen yet: Teach Lactose Tolerance Quote from my voice teacher: "You don’t have to worry about putting tape on your forehead if you just want to sing the blues" False start to a short story, or something: "It wasn’t until I hadfinished writing the novel that I realized my fingers had been slightly askew of the home row keys." Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 1: "You try it and I’ll funch your puckin’ teeth in." Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic isn’t necessarily a futiletask, provided you’re rearranging yours so that it’s in the lifeboat. Another failed short story, or something: Confessions of a Narcoleptic Insomniac Christian Adult Bookstore: "Porn Again" Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 2: "We want a deity that doesn’t wreak havoc, we want a god that’s polysyllabic." Forget drive-thru coffee shops, what about drive-along coffee shops? Check it out: Mobile coffee mobiles that drive up next to you on the freeway and refill your coffee from a long tube, similar to the way they refuel jets in mid-air. No, I’m serious. Household tip: Don’t store your Scrabble board next to your Ouijaboard. Learn from my mistakes here, people exorcisms aren’t cheap. Actual overheard quote: "I was studying for a cow exam during themovie, so I didn’t get to have a Kundalini experience." Stinkronicity – Meaningful, coincidental flatulence. Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 3: "Anosmic dewlaps" Treatment for gambling problems: Kenotherapy Something that probably had the potential to be profound,philosophical and insightful but ended up being just another false start: "Draping my coat over the chair of life saving a place for when the show finally starts." The computer file, dated four years ago, is called "Thank youletter/Doris Maggio." However, I can’t remember who she is, or what I was supposed to thank her for, and the only thing in the file is her address. So, if you get around to it, maybe you could drop her a nice little note Doris Maggio, 724 S. Dyer Circle, Greenville, MS. Thanks. Actual overheard quote: "There’s some nudity upstairs, but it’s inreally good taste and I’ll explain why when we get there."Barry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.
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