Hacking up tidbits from the hard drive of life | VailDaily.com
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Hacking up tidbits from the hard drive of life

Barry Smith

The synthetic thyroid has been the source of much pleasure in my house, so it wasn’t an easy thing to give up. At some point, though, you just have to move on.The synthetic thyroid is a bit of medical swag, an advertisement for a product known as &quotSynthroid.&quot I have no idea what this pharmaceutical does, but I should note that on the back of the mock thyroid, which doubles as one of those stress-relieving squeeze toys, it reads, &quotPut the squeeze on thyroid disease.&quotThe first few months after I brought this lil’ thyroid home, my wifeChristina and I would take turns pretending to hack it up. I’d palm it like an amateur magician, launch into an unprovoked coughing fit and eventually jettison the thyroid from my hand, giving the crude illusion that I had just hee hee coughed up my thyroid. A few hours later (because timing is everything) Christina would have a go at it. Man, we had some fun.But that was a few years ago, and now we no longer get the same thrill from hacking up the thyroid, so it’s time to let it go, to make room for whatever’s next.I had it prominently on display during my yard sale last week, but no one saw the humorous potential in it like I once did, so to the landfill it went.I have a computer full of little electronic versions of the thyroid words, thoughts, ideas, quotes and other errata that I once thought useful, but now realize will never capture my fancy again. It’s time, as with the thyroid, to clear these tidbits from my hard drive, so I thought, hey, why not give them one last &quothacking up&quot before I do? Bumper sticker I haven’t seen yet: Teach Lactose Tolerance Quote from my voice teacher: &quotYou don’t have to worry about putting tape on your forehead if you just want to sing the blues&quot False start to a short story, or something: &quotIt wasn’t until I hadfinished writing the novel that I realized my fingers had been slightly askew of the home row keys.&quot Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 1: &quotYou try it and I’ll funch your puckin’ teeth in.&quot Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic isn’t necessarily a futiletask, provided you’re rearranging yours so that it’s in the lifeboat. Another failed short story, or something: Confessions of a Narcoleptic Insomniac Christian Adult Bookstore: &quotPorn Again&quot Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 2: &quotWe want a deity that doesn’t wreak havoc, we want a god that’s polysyllabic.&quot Forget drive-thru coffee shops, what about drive-along coffee shops? Check it out: Mobile coffee mobiles that drive up next to you on the freeway and refill your coffee from a long tube, similar to the way they refuel jets in mid-air. No, I’m serious. Household tip: Don’t store your Scrabble board next to your Ouijaboard. Learn from my mistakes here, people exorcisms aren’t cheap. Actual overheard quote: &quotI was studying for a cow exam during themovie, so I didn’t get to have a Kundalini experience.&quot Stinkronicity – Meaningful, coincidental flatulence. Thing that I once wrote down and now have no idea what it means, Pt. 3: &quotAnosmic dewlaps&quot Treatment for gambling problems: Kenotherapy Something that probably had the potential to be profound,philosophical and insightful but ended up being just another false start: &quotDraping my coat over the chair of life saving a place for when the show finally starts.&quot The computer file, dated four years ago, is called &quotThank youletter/Doris Maggio.&quot However, I can’t remember who she is, or what I was supposed to thank her for, and the only thing in the file is her address. So, if you get around to it, maybe you could drop her a nice little note Doris Maggio, 724 S. Dyer Circle, Greenville, MS. Thanks. Actual overheard quote: &quotThere’s some nudity upstairs, but it’s inreally good taste and I’ll explain why when we get there.&quotBarry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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