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Half empty, or half full?

Barry Smith

&quotIs the glass of milk half empty, or half full?&quotOPTIMIST: The glass if half full.PESSIMIST: The glass is half empty.SCIENTIST: This mystery will be solved once and for all after we have secured enough grant money and pharmaceutical company sponsorship.BUDDHIST: Empty? Full? No matter. All suffering is due to this glass of milk.DEFEATIST: Whatever. It isn’t mine, so what do I care?PERCUSSIONIST: Hey! Who left their milk glass on my bongos?ASTROLOGIST: Neptune is in Aquarius, Jupiter is in Scorpio, and Uranus is in the milk glass, which is making it difficult to dunk my Oreo.ORTHOPEDIST: The lab tests are inconclusive as to the quantity of milk. We’ll need to do some more scans and possibly some exploratory surgery. The milk glass does have insurance, doesn’t it?SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: By accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ your milk cup shall be overflowing and shall sing the praises of eternal life. Read this pamphlet, and I’ll be back next week.CONSPIRACY THEORIST: The milk glass is a patsy. I have evidence of the presence of a second container of milk on the glassy knoll.TOURIST: What!? Seven dollars for a glass of milk? And it isn’t even full! That’s ridiculous! My wife and I have been coming here for 20 years!SOMNAMBULIST: Look, it’s 3 a.m. maybe you could heat that milk up for me?FEMINIST: Is that all you men ever think about? Milk?EXISTENTIALIST: The milk has no intrinsic meaning or purpose and must take responsibility for its actions and shape its own destiny. The glass is kinda groovy, though.ILLUSIONIST: Nothing up my sleeve, and presto! Say, what’s that behind your ear? A glass of milk, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you very much.SEGREGATIONIST: Regular milk in one glass chocolate milk in a separate, equal glass.ACTIVIST: Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Totalitarian milk has got to go!PSYCHIATRIST (Freudian): The milk represents the mother. The glass represents your penis. That’s the end of our time for today.PSYCHIATRIST (Jungian): The milk represents the I Ching. The glass represents Freud’s penis. That’s the end of our time for today.DENTIST: Your teeth are a mess. You should really increase your calcium intake. Are you still drinking those small glasses of milk?EVANGELIST: And God did smite those whom He found unworthy! And lo, did the milk glasses spill over in the desert, causing those who worshiped the false idols to wander aimlessly and without the comfort of the lactate of the Lord. Let us pray.PHLEBOTOMIST: C’mon, I’m serious … put the stupid glass down and let me feel your head.Barry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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