Headlines that could be true, somehere
Daily To Be Run By Weekly Elected Panel Of Anonymous Know-It-AllsIn a direct response to specific reader input, beginning tomorrow, worthless issues such as teachers pay, veterans, racism, war in the Middle East, the War Against Terrorism and local leash laws will no longer be covered by the current Vail Daily staff.However, expect plenty of hype from the weekly selected all-informed brainiacs embracing such meaty subjects as chair lift ingress/egress, lawsuits involving folks who slip on ice patches apparently owned by others, bubble construction, and local math teachers1 abilities to complete crossword puzzles geared specifically toward newspaper editors. Media ownership supposedly looks forward to a much thicker paper.3We1ll show them, claimed an anonymous source wishing to remain unknown.Rogers Accepts School District PositionDonald Rogers, the local editor with more layers of skin than Shrek, has decided to forego his thrilling and highly profitable career in journalism for a shot at superstardom<head commissar of the Eagle County School District. Unlike former leader Mel Preusser, who has decided to try his hand as a lift-op in Arrowhead, Roger1s pay scale will begin at exactly one-half of the current minimum wage but will be eligible to receive bonuses based solely upon the final standings of next year1s Boys Varsity Basketball Squad at Battle Mountain High School.3It1ll be a challenge, admitted Rogers. 3But after the daily monotony of journalism, I1m ready for something that can really make a difference in people1s lives.Cacioppo Ceases Publication of SpeakOut!Citing a professed fear of offending someone, especially those of the teaching profession and others with the innate ability to think, Vail Valley1s reigning king of Newt Gingrich impressions, Michael Cacioppo, has agreed to cease and desist publication of his immensely popular right-wing rag, SpeakOut! Cacioppo also claims to be using the remaining profits to fund a 3Sensitivity & Speling course at CMC, one in which he will, of course, also be the teacher.3You gotta admit, said Cacioppo, 3that it was fun while it lasted, but I draw the line when the potential exists to hurt someone needlessly with words.Admitted Killer Was Dying To Be CaughtIn a bizarre twist worthy of Yogi Berra after a few shots of Jack Daniels, convicted murderer Chuck Garrison of Summit County says he buried his wife in the front yard<after killing her in a fit of rage<for the sole purpose of being caught 3 sometime in the future. Claiming intelligent rationale obviously learned from watching Bill Clinton contrition videos repeatedly, Garrison stated 3burying her in the BACK yard would have been a clear indication of a man wanting to get away with something, and that clearly was not my intent. Apparently Mr. Garrison is also convinced that Enron management seminars are the business wave of the future for potential accounting students.3Yes, I agree, Garrison was overheard saying.TIPSline works!Locals were indeed surprised and relieved at Vail Resort1s announcement today of roundabout training classes being required from this point forward for all Front Range pass holders. However, a few were again angered immediately upon learning that locals would also be required to do the same.3How dare they lower us to the same level as tourists! said one disenfranchised local wishing to remain anonymous.Destitute Dick Admits To Being A Lost SelloutPoor Richard Carnes has finally acknowledged his guilt. 3Yes, it is true, he admitted late last week when found wandering aimlessly and partially naked on Bob Brotman1s Barefoot Beach along southern Florida1s west coast. 3My column has secretly been written much of the time by an alcoholic street urchin who has only wandered the area (the Vail Valley) for the last three years or so. The guy doesn1t really seem to know much about anything, but he sure works cheap.Carnes does, however, still take credit for 3all of the columns that people liked, and suddenly produced for this reporter three TIPSline cutouts which, upon reading, could actually be construed as positive in Mr. Carnes1 direction if one holds one1s tongue 3just so. He would also like to give direct thanks to the one letter to the editor that was in his defense.3Thanks, Mom, Carnes was overheard saying.Teachers Union Cancels Next Season1s B-BallIn a dramatic turnaround worthy of investigation if it weren1t so darn ironically humorous, local teachers union members voted today to cancel any chance of next year1s Boys Varsity Basketball Squad at Battle Mountain High School from competition.3Hey, that1s not fair, a local editor was overheard saying.Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org<really, no foolin1.
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