Help Jews in the grave don’t need |

Help Jews in the grave don’t need

Matt Zalaznick

Here’s an idea to boost religious tolerance: Rabbis could perform a bris in abstentia on an elder of the Mormon Church each time a newborn Jewish boy is snipped. God only knows if a ritual Hebrew circumcision would help these venerable latter day saints get into Old Testament heaven, but such a program might clue them into the culture of the group of people whom a church spokesman quoted in The New York Times called “our Jewish friends.”

Because in America these days, people – including W., an Alabama Supreme Court justice and St. Lethal Weapon – seem less and less capable of understanding why Jews, atheists and other non-Christians are happy not being Christians. They’re increasingly anxious about the non-believers non-believing.

The church, which seems to be having severe problems coming to grips with some Americans’ pesky reluctance to convert and others’ spiritual satisfaction with the secular, has taken spiritual matters into its own hands.

They’ve simply been baptizing Jews – not living, conscious Jews who’ve come to their church asking to join, but dead European Jews who were murdered horribly 60 years ago in the Holocaust and had almost certainly never heard of Brigham Young, Jim McMahon or Salt Lake City.

The Mormons – like those sleazy commercials in which photo-shopped footage of a dead actor or musician is used to hawk insurance or soda – have hijacked the legacy of these Jews for their shameful faith-o-ganda and expansion plans.

It’s safe to say that these doomed, starving, de-humanized Jews were not spending their days secretly whistling Mormon prayers while they worked, looking forward to day they’d finally be assimilated by the Borg of the Great Salt Lake. Resistance is still futile – in 1944 and 2004.

BYU football games simply weren’t shown on Saturday afternoons at Treblinka. And the Book of Mormon wasn’t on the shelves in Auschwitz’s library.

Rather than pining toward Provo, the Jews of the Holocaust spent their days digging cess pits, scrounging for dribbles of rancid soup, shoving their gassed neighbors into ovens, succumbing to scarlet fever and, most frequently, dying. Even in death, these exterminated Jews still haven’t regained their humanity in the eyes of one of the fastest-growing religions in the world.

The Mormons say they mean well. They insist they’re only helping the Jews earn their just reward. But, stripped down to the barest implications, what these baptisms are is a re-extermination of the exterminated Jews – a posthumous ethnic cleansing, a latter day genocide.

City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555 or

Support Local Journalism