How to score at a wedding |

How to score at a wedding

Nickey Hernandez

One of the best romps of my life went down during a California wedding reception when a drunken bridesmaid dragged me to the shore and treated me like a sexed-up sea turtle.

Weddings have an odd effect on people. Mothers weep, fathers choke up, and the bride’s gal pals turn ravenous with female lust.

Next to Nevada’s famed Chicken Ranch, weddings are the horniest places on Earth.

That’s the true-to-the-bone-message behind “Wedding Crashers,” a fun-filled, summertime comedy sure to please everyone except the sexually frustrated fascists at “Focus on the Family.”

The film chronicles the doings of two highly skilled players; Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Support Local Journalism

By day the pair work as divorce mediators, but their real passion involves sneaking into weddings and bedding as many babes as possible.

Armed with fake names and bogus back stories, the pair prove suave enough to toast every bride, charm every minister, and disrobe every maid of honor with a C-cup.

These studs know all the tricks in the book. They carry Purple Hearts to enhance bogus war stories. They drench their eyes with Visine to cry on cue. They’ll even play MahJong with a Chinese grandmother if helps snag a hot babe in the throes of wedding night envy.

The film’s so-called raw style, R-rating and over-hyped female nudity has raised a lot of media attention. Matt Drudge, the right-wing propaganda hack best known for kissing Karl Rove’s proverbial backside during Bush’s first Inaugural Address, mocked Sen. John McCain for making a five-second cameo in the film.

Drudge featured the film on his website “The Drudge Report,” under the banner headline: “Sen. McCain Stars in Boob Raunch Fest.”

Please, I know a boob raunch fest when I see one. And while “Wedding Crashers” has its share of fine female flesh and blue language, it’s well within the range of acceptability.

This film is about as randy as, “Something About Mary,” “American Pie” or “Animal House.”

Then again, what can one expect from a nation traumatized by Janet Jackson’s famed Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction?”

Naked chicks aside, “Wedding Crashers” is flat out funny. Wilson and Vaughn are perfectly suited as crass Casanovas, who attack the wedding season like hungry lions at a petting zoo.

Their happy-go-horny habits come to a halts when they crash a wedding hosted by the sitting Secretary of the Treasury. Wilson’s character, John Beckwith, is instantly smitten by the bride’s sister. His feelings go beyond mere lust.

Vaughn’s character, Jeremy Grey, lands into hotter water when he beds the bride’s youngest sister. This steamy little number is not just out-and-out crazy, but armed with the sexual drive of Angelina Jolie on a cocktail of Ecstacy and Viagra.

Entanglements, close calls and panic set in when the rouges get lured into a post-reception weekend with the entire wedding party.

Only time will tell which guy breaks the wedding crasher code of honor and falls hopelessly in love.

Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to crash funerals.

Support Local Journalism