I done found Jesus, too
Yessiree Bob, I most certainly did.
He’s been hanging out at the 17th green over at the Sonnenalp Golf Club in Edwards most of the summer, waiting patiently to assist my next tee shot.
I knew it was him because in June (on a Sunday, no less) I prayed for help and, sure enough, the ball bounced exactly as I wished.
What further proof could one possibly need?
Michael Vick apparently found him recently as well, only it took a few well-publicized, ill-timed denials and the loss of 20 million bucks or so before the Big Guy was actually witnessed.
But how does Vick know it wasn’t Mohammed; didn’t they both have beards and wear robes and sandals while espousing moral truths to the flocks that chose to follow them? For that matter, couldn’t it have been Adonis, Osiris, Dionysus or literally thousands of others of make-believe saviors man has concocted over time.
And now that I think about it (an act I’m rarely accused of finishing), a lot of folks claim to have recently found one Messiah or another coincidentally around the same time they seem to have public “issues.”
Even here in America, the Christian version, a.k.a. Jesus, is found at the oddest times and the strangest places. While sometimes taking on the form of a pretzel (last month in Kentucky), a few decades ago it was then non-President Bush finding him at the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle. Those deities sure seem to get around.
Heck, the good preacher, Ted Haggard, found him hiding in another man’s Dockers.
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both found him in the L.A. County jail.
Hilary Clinton found him sitting in a “Presidential Race Exploratory Committee” meeting about a year ago.
Barack Obama found him just last week sitting quiescently behind the podium of a New Orleans fundraiser.
Ex-Congressman Mark Foley found him after redefining the term: turn the page.
A few months ago Sen. Larry Craig found him in a Minneapolis airport bathroom stall (he has not officially said this yet, but trust me, he will in due time).
Even Iranian President Ahmadinejad found him (the Muslim version) at a plutonium enrichment facility munching on little green pellets.
Each claims to have “found” some magical being that they are suddenly (and miraculously) in awe of, and promise not to be bad anymore out of fear of said magical being, or at the very least pledge to lead morally just lives solely in that being’s honor.
How some of these people keep straight faces is beyond me.
I want to ask each one of these goofballs that if there was no deity in their life would they be a good and moral person, and after each “YES” answer, then point out their admittance of not needing imaginary beings to be a good and moral person.
It really is that simple.
Why can’t these athletes, politicians and celebrities understand that their cafeteria style of religion only cheapens their irresponsible excuses and irrational babblings when they’re caught with their hands in the proverbial secular cookie jar?
The vacuous nonsense emanating from their own mouths, and somehow passed off as relevant discourse in the media, only serves to belittle what modest good comes from organized religion as it is.
If I were religious (assuming you understand the above), I would be reaching for the Tylenol each time one of these self-righteous narcissistic twits announced their sudden “discovery.”
It could be worse, I suppose.
Rob Katz could suddenly claim in a marketing coup that Jesus promised Vail more snow than Aspen for this winter or the Town of Vail could ask for divine intervention in their quest for a balanced budget.
Don’t hold your breath for either, but I wouldn’t be the least surprised if a few mortgage company owners have sudden “revelations” over these next few months.
NOTE: The preceding opinions belong to Richard and are not necessarily shared by this newspaper…but they should be.
(Extra Note: R.I.P. to the Brass Parrot, for without your existence I never would have survived my divorce in the early 90’s. Thank you, Kenny, and the rest of the gang.)
Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a biweekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.