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Imagine the outcry

Matt Zalaznick

Thank goodness they’re white. Thank goodness we won’t have to endure the barrage of bigotry that would have followed had the two young foreigners suspected of a recent bank robbery in Vail been from south of the border. All that raving spite and intolerance has been stifled by these boys’ very Anglo last names: Prince and Carroll. Thankfully, these surnames are from New Zealand and Australia, where the people use their endearing accents to speak English.Had they been named, say, Gonzalez and Ramirez, and been from Mexico and Honduras or Guatemala and El Salvador, why, all the usual suspects would have come crawling out of the warped woodwork to fret and froth about a horde of darker-skinned immigrants driving orderly America downhill. Two baby-faced, white legal aliens from Down Under committing a brazen, frightening crime like armed robbery? Must all be a misunderstanding. An over-aggressive withdrawal, perhaps? An aberration, an evil prank that can’t be blamed on lax immigration policies or unsecured borders? Why, there must be some way to blame Mexico for this. Anglos don’t rob banks or commit brutal crimes like rape. Right? Never mind that white suspect the police are looking for from the recent sexual assault in the Vail Village parking garage. There goes the theory of our more bigoted neighbors. So two cuddly little koala bear types scurrying off to Denver with their work visas and $130,000 just isn’t cause for national alarm. They are just Dumb and Dumber, stars of the Australian press for the moment. Cute, worthy of a chuckle, unless of course you were one of the tellers they shoved to the floor and waved their weaponry at.Had they been Mexicans storming the bank with BB guns? A pair of swarthy, thick-mustached banditos invading the sanctum where we keep our money? Well, call Tipsline. Write righteous letters to the editor. Prepare the picket signs. Start a political action committee. Call in Congress. Tancredo on speed dial. He’s got a hotline for the freshest brown-skinned immigrant outrage, doesn’t he? Something must be done. Had these wicked crimes been committed by Mexicans – 57 percent of the current immigrant tide – this would be just another sign of a rotten race (like the Irish once upon a time) bent on infiltration and taking all our jobs. Flaky, unreliable natural-born citizens, by jingo, have an inalienable right to a paycheck, never mind such trifles as earning it. And they should make at least as much as teachers for unskilled labor. Not that teachers make much, mind you. This would have been more incontrovertible proof – proof! – of a whole people hell-bent on driving their jalopies around maniacally without insurance while eager to take advantage of any American freebies they could possibly abuse. Because real Americans, by gee, don’t have to pay attention when they’re going through a roundabout if they have a cell-phone to gab on. And living in their town homes and suburban castles by comparison to earlier generations, they get the short end in favor of the packed-to-the-gills trailer set. Yeah, that’s it. This would be just more evidence of these aliens’ insidious plan to leech treatment from emergency rooms and education from elementary schools. Because Uncle Sam’s children, by god, have a right to be dangerously out of shape and freedom to fall behind several Asian and European countries in math and science. Education? Why should destiny’s child have to study, or mom and dad spend quality time with a teacher? Besides we have a right to defend the homeland against overcrowded trailer parks and gardeners taking advantage of public services, not to mention crimes like not always speaking English in the supermarket. What a relief that everyone gets a little break from the under-educated, underskilled, job-threatened, scared-to-death natives spewing the goofiest and lowest of doctrines by deluding themselves they’re being rational rather than frankly racist. We dodged a bullet this time. M.Z. Vail, Colorado


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