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In a Snoop Dog style

Nickey Hernandez

Lasciviousness thy name is spring break.And nothing proves that better than The Real Cancun, which gives peephole perspectives into the animalistic ways of college cuties on the Mexican Riviera.The Real Cancun presents 90 minutes of hot chicks, wet T-shirts, and hook-up sessions. It’s a fairly entertaining mix of The Real World, Big Brother and Girls Gone Wild.Viewers have not seen this much revelry since the Israelites snubbed Moses, pissed on the burning bush and sodomized one another with the Golden Calf.Then again, who cares how many Commandments get trashed during a week of debauchery down Mexico way? It’s spring break after all. So do the nasty with a hot blonde housemate, then dump her ass like a half-eaten chalupa.Though advertised as a “breakthrough” in filmmaking, The Real Cancun is just a cheap documentary. The film follows the wild doings of 16 good-looking strangers tossed together inside a killer beach pad. Anyone familiar with MTV’s The Real World knows the format.The uber-tanned crew includes several hard-bodied mooks who spend the entire movie talking about hooters. The gals — all hot — behave in a like-minded loose fashion. Sure, a few girls pledge loyalty to beaus back home, but most of the ladies get jiggy after a few tequila body shots.Sky, a Nubian goddess, explains her preference in men by telling a randy housemate, “if you have a little d___, my favorite position is with another f_____.”Laura, an apple cheek vixen from bumpkinville, Wis., is the first to succumb to spring break fever. She hops into the sack on the second night with housemate Jeremy, a tattooed stud with washboard abs. Imagine her surprise when Jeremy brushes her off at daybreak, then drags the winner of a wet T-shirt contest back to the pad for sexual healing.Laura pouts for a week while Jeremy high-fives his buddies and cavorts like a true alpha male.Jealousy rages again when Matt, another he-man, flirts all week with a female housemate. In the end, he shines her on and bangs a stunning blonde inside a shower.”My boyfriend is so much better than you,” the broken-hearted wench bellows after she catches Matt lathered up with his shower slut.Ironically, geeks win the day in The Real Cancun, thanks to Alan, a four-eyed nerd from Texas Tech, who moves from booze virgin to alcoholic by the film’s end.The Tejas nerd arrives in Cancun determined to avoid the demon rum.”I don’t want to ruin my soberness,” the loser says.But he caves like the Republican Guard under an onslaught of taunts, teases and peer pressure from the cohorts. Before long, Alan is licking salt off the chests of bikini babes and slurping up Jose Cuervo from the firm bellies of his gal pals.”I want hooters,” he screams in a drunken rage. Alan later wins a hot butt contest and eventually gets tongue tied with a foreign wench.Just shows that copious amounts of lovely liquor can make any man cooler, funnier and, let’s be honest, better.The Real Cancun may be as empty as a conk shell, but in the end, it goes down like a cheap ho on Snoop Dogg.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater for some sex on the beach. qNickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who remembers a more innocent time when spring break meant donkey shows in Tijuana.


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