Irrelativity: What the airplane safety folks would like to say to you |

Irrelativity: What the airplane safety folks would like to say to you

Barry Smith
Vail CO, Colorado
Special to the DailyBarry Smith

VAIL, Colorado ” “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Before we take off, please stop your conversations, put down your reading materials and watch this safety video. Thank you.”


This video will highlight some of the features of this airplane. Thank you for flying with us today.

Please take the safety card out of the seat pocket and follow along. If you are sitting in an exit row, you might be required to assist the crew in an emergency. If you are unable or unwilling to perform these duties, please press your call button at the end of this video. You, Fat Boy. Yeah, you, talking about sports. Shut it.

Please keep your seat belt fastened low and tight across your lap. To fasten your seat belt, tie it in a double knot. Tighten your belt by scooting forward in your seat.

You aren’t listening, are you? What, you think reading SkyMall is more important than information that could save your life?

When the seatbelt sign is lit, federal law requires you to repeatedly kick the back of the seat in front of you while giving the person next to you a noogie.

Hello. Hello? Up here, on the screen … video playing …

If you are a straight male you will find our female flight attendants to be smokin’ hot despite their actual attractiveness and/or your age differences. Awwww, yeah boy-ee. Did you see the way she gave you a ginger ale and packet of pretzels? She wants it.

There are four exit doors. Only one of them works. We would tell you which one, but you’re ignoring us. Whatever. Should something actually go wrong you’ll be scrambling over seats like a monkey on crank, stomping old ladies in the face to save precious seconds.

Do you have any idea what it cost to produce this video? I mean, look at these computer graphics! Oh, yeah… reading the Jerry Lewis interview in “Horizons” is a lot more interesting, right? Punk.

Open the over-wing exit by standing motionless in front of it and screaming, “No! God! We’re all gonna die!” The main doors open by moving the handle in the direction of the arrow while those behind you surge forward and crush you like you’re at a Who concert. Evacuation slides automatically inflate. When jumping on the slide, keep in mind that the stewardess will be impressed by a half-gainer. When you’re on the ground, move away from the aircraft, as it will explode very soon. What, have you never seen a Bruce Willis movie?

In the event of a runway landing, your flotation device becomes a seat cushion. Place them between your ass and the bottom of the plane. Should you require additional cushioning, just keep throwing back the fried foods.

If needed, an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat. Tighten the elastic band firmly around your neck. As the blood flow to your brain lessens, you’ll find yourself even more attracted to our crew. Push the call button and ask the brunette for a lap dance.

For everyone’s comfort and safety, and to comply with federal law, please follow crew instructions at all times. Did you catch that? Federal law says that you have to do what we say. We’re like cops. Remember how we told you to shut your pop tart holes and watch this video. Remember? Well, you’re all under arrest. No, seriously.

Three million. That’s what this video cost. Look, I know it’s not one of those damn bling-bling hippity hop music videos that the white kids are so crazy for, but we put a lot of work into it. And if you aren’t going to watch it then you’re going to prison.

Federal law prohibits smoking on this flight. Federal law prohibits lots of things, doesn’t it? But people still do them. Cool people, that is. So why not go lean against the cockpit door and light up a cigarette? Go on. What are you? Chicken? Bock bock bock!

And now, before we take off, please stow your cell phone in your descending colon. Once in the air we’ll play a rerun of “Seinfeld,” and I bet you’re gonna shut up for that, aren’t you? Whatever. We’ve arranged to have heroin planted in your luggage.

Now sit back, relax and enjoy your flight. Punk.”

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