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Irrelativity

Barry Smith

Dear Bad Guru,The more I try to balance the material and the spiritual, the moreconfused I get. Could it be that these two concepts just flat out can’t coexist?KennySeattle, WAKenny,The spiritual and the material are opposite sides of the same coin,along with the mystical.I know what you’re thinking: Spiritual, material AND mystical? Butthat’s … a three-sided coin! How the…?Yes, when you can comprehend the three-sided coin, you will haveunderstood the nature of this world of opposites, where the existence of one thing mandates the existence of its opposite.But there’s more …What do you get when you spend a three-sided coin?You get change.Ooooohhhh …Huh? Man, I’m good.Dear Bad Guru,You are THE dopest MF out there! All of these other &quotadvice&quot columnists are a bunch of pansies compared to you. They aren’t even worthy of kissing the hem of your saffron yellow and gold embossed diaper.My question is this: Is Enlightenment all that people say it is? Whatare the side effects? Can I OD on E? Is there a Monday Blues associated with it? What are the long-term effects of a continual state of Enlightenment? Is E legal? Thanks.My Dharma May AnnoyManchester, EnglandDear DharmannoyYou think that Enlightenment is something you can attain by stayingawake all weekend staring at flashing lights with your friends? Well, you are right.Oh, sure, you could meditate and pray and visit little men on mountain tops and cut off all your hair and change your name to some random celestial occurrence, but ultimately Enlightenment is the state of having a seriously good time. So have one. Have a lifetime full of them.Yes, &quotE&quot is legal, and Bad Guru is holding. The first one’s free…Dear Bad Guru,If God is all-powerful, can He make a rock so big that He can’t lift it?And if he can, and he can’t lift it, then he must not be all-powerful, huh?BillyWilmington, NCBilly,First of all, you assume that &quotGod&quot is the man in the chair with thewhite beard and the lightning bolts. But God is not that. God is all of us, collectively and individually. We are all drops in the same river, flowing from the source which we call God – which we also are. It’s pretty simple, really. Fly fishermen seem to have the easiest time understanding it.So, to answer your question, yes. God can make a rock that big. In fact, He already has. It’s the one in your head. Punk.Dear Bad Guru,I’ve been reading Carlos Castaneda lately and he’s always taking these cool, exotic drugs that allow him to turn into birds and jump off cliffs and stuff. I’ve asked my dealer if he can hook me up with some of these drugs and he’s just, like, have some weed instead.I try to explain that I am looking to have a profound, mysticalexperience, or at least get to be a tiger for a while, but he just can’tseem to hook me up.Where can I find these cool Castaneda drugs?Don Jonesin’, Santa Fe, NMDJ,Lucky for you, most of the experiences that Castaneda had to travel to darkest Mexico in order to have can be recreated in your own kitchen using common household ingredients.Wanna see tigers? Snort a few lines of cayenne pepper. Wanna turn into a bird and fly? Nutmeg, and lots of it. Wanna see God? Make yourself a tuna sandwich, extra mayo, and leave it on the dash of your car for a few hot summer days. Eat it with a dill spear and let the good times roll.Tell God I said hello. If He doesn’t remember me, He’s an imposter,which means you didn’t use enough mayo.(Question for Bad Guru? Email barry@irrelativity.com)


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