Jeff Foxworthy is our hero, and here’s why |

Jeff Foxworthy is our hero, and here’s why

n You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

n You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

n You burn your yard rather than mow it.

n You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

n The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

n You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

n You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

n You come back from the dump with more than you took.

n You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

n Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

n You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

n You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

n You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.

n You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

n Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

n You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

n You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

n You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

n You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

n You have a rag for a gas cap.

n Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.

n Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.

n You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

n You can spit without opening your mouth.

n You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

n Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

n You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

n You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them.

n The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-mart.

n Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

n You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

n You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

n You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Kmart.

n Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

n You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

n You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s they hangin’?”

n You missed fifth-grade graduation because you had jury duty.

n You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

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