Jeff Foxworthy is our hero, and here’s why
n You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
n You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
n You burn your yard rather than mow it.
n You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
n The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
n You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
n You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
n You come back from the dump with more than you took.
n You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
n Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
n You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
n You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
n You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
n You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
n Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
n You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
n You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
n You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
n You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
n You have a rag for a gas cap.
n Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
n Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
n You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
n You can spit without opening your mouth.
n You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
n Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
n You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
n You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them.
n The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-mart.
n Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
n You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
n You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
n You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Kmart.
n Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
n You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
n You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s they hangin’?”
n You missed fifth-grade graduation because you had jury duty.
n You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
With a pitched battle brewing in the state legislature over his signature “public option” health insurance bill (HB19-1004) from last session, state Rep. Dylan Roberts, D-Avon, is urging calm before the coming storm.