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Legal Eagle

Eagle County Court observers may find these useful in the next few weeks? They are NOT actual legal definitions, but they are pretty funny.

Acquit: To wimp out.

Appellate: Hampster food.

Arraign: Stormy weather.

Attorney: Major sporting event.

Participate in The Longevity Project

The Longevity Project is an annual campaign to help educate readers about what it takes to live a long, fulfilling life in our valley. This year Kevin shares his story of hope and celebration of life with his presentation Cracked, Not Broken as we explore the critical and relevant topic of mental health.

Bar Association: Drinking buddies.

Writ: Past tense of write.

Criminal Lawyer: Redundant.

Debtor: Less alive.

Deceit: A place to sit down.

Evidence: Denture cleaner.

Extradition: More math homework.

Defense: What keeps de dog in.

Actual cop quotes

Before you go to court, you go to the cops. These are the kinds of things they’ll say to you.

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Life’s tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

Lessons in economics

Cops and courts cost money, and as a public service the Titans of Town Talk offer these quick lessons on how economic philosophies actually work.

– Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

– Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

– Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

– Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

– Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

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