Let’s light candles and SING! | VailDaily.com
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Let’s light candles and SING!

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Satan,

Happy birthday to yoooouuuuuu!

What a silly sack of superstitious sow stool.

According to religious lunatics across the globe, today is the devil’s special day, and we should all be trembling with fear, looking ominously over our shoulders for big black crows chirping flames and black dogs barking chunks of brimstone.

Cue up the Halloween music. Oooooohhhhh.

How long is it going to take for these people to catch up to the 21st century?

Sadly, that might be a rhetorical question.

To put it bluntly, there is no such entity as the devil, or Satan, or Lucifer. Everyone knows the only true Prince of Darkness is Ozzy, and Beelzubub was just a line in the greatest song ever written by Queen.

For the uninformed and the dangerously naive, here is a quick recap of where “the devil” came from:

Early man developed religion as a means to understand the unknown.

Where did the sun go during the night and the moon during the day? The sky gods must be letting them rest.

Why does it rain too much at times and not enough at other times? The cloud gods must be challenging us.

Why does that other creature seem to have more to eat than us? The food gods must be telling us to go over there and ask them to share, but if they don’t, then they must be saying to take it from them.

In other words, whatever response it took to explain or justify an action. If it was positive, they gave credit to one of their many good gods. If negative, someone must take the blame. Therefore, they had bad gods.

Through thousands of years of Babylonian, Mesopotamian, Greek, Roman, etc., mythology, the bad gods evolved into one really bad guy, nowadays known, thanks to Christianity, as Satan.

Every generation of Christians for the last 2,000 years believed that they would be the ones “raptured” off this planet and that everything in Revelations is true, including the return of the anti-Christ to poke us with his pitchfork for a few years. Each one of those generations has used the devil to scare the wits out of their children, threatening them with an eternity of damnation if they refuse to conform to the social niceties of the day.

Many of these groups have been preaching that all this devil nonsense will happen “any second now” since 33 A.D. In fact, every year ending in a “6” is supposed to be “the year of the Beast” as well as any other combination that could possibly contort to somehow equal 666.

All of this because 2,000 years ago a few folks wrote allegorical tales about the impending fall of Nero and the Seven Hills of Rome (seven dragon heads, yada, yada, yada), and used gematria (a Hebrew method in which numbers are assigned to letters) to come up with the whole 666 brouhaha.

Today’s date is actually 6/6/2006, which without the slash marks says 662,006, and I’m pretty sure that means diddly, except if you’re counting the number of fools believing in this hogwash.

To show how silly it has become, a Brit named Melissa Parker, due to give birth today, has been fighting with her London hospital to induce her sooner to avoid delivering on this demonic date of 6/6/6.

“I’m terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her,” Parker said. “Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself, the anti-Christ.”

The only thing wrong with this picture is that this woman has been allowed to breed.

Please repeat after me, “There is no such entity as evil, only bad people committing evil acts.” The only true evil in the world is that which is perpetrated by those wishing to do harm toward others with differing beliefs.

Tell me this, if Evan Thompson, the so-called “Miracle in the Woods” boy found last week after four days in the wilderness, was saved by a good god, then was it Satan who killed over 6,200 innocent Indonesians a few days earlier in the earthquake?

If you can seriously shake your head “Yes,” then I suggest you are in serious need of psychotherapy.

Or how about the Vatican, which has been busy tripping all over each other’s robes to discredit the “Da Vinci Code,” yet has not said a single word about today’s release of “The Omen,” a film concerning the birth of the anti-Christ.

Why? Because one perpetuates magical myths and the other is just a movie.

Anyway, today, just like this column, is nothing special. Just realize religious fanatics will be singing the same tune for years to come, and 666 will continue to magically fit into their warped rationale, however irrational.

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.net

Vail, Colorado


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