Linda Stamper Boyne: OK, boys, enough with the droopy drawers
Vail, CO, Colorado
Men, there’s something we need to discuss. Now, this request isn’t directed at most of you. In fact, the segment of the male population that I’m speaking to really, in all likelihood, will not read this. But perhaps the rest of the reading public can help me pass on this message.
For the love of God, pull up your pants! You look ridiculous.
I don’t know how exactly the fashion trend ended up here, but it clearly needs to keep evolving to something else. Gentlemen, we do not want to see your boxer-covered arse hanging out of your pants. Pants, by definition, are to cover the lower half of the body, not just your legs. Those would be called leg warmers.
I’m not asking you to wear Dockers or the male equivalent of Mom Jeans. You can wear the same big old baggy pants, just bring them up a bit! I don’t even care if you still have your boxers hanging out the top a little, just cover up the hind quarters so that the pockets can actually function as pockets once again instead of decorative thigh patches.
For the sake of full disclosure, this is coming from a woman who came of age in the ’80s, possibly the most unfortunate fashion era in history. And I did partake in some of the ghastly trends. So I know and appreciate that in certain circles of like-minded individuals, you look great, so trendy, that you like what you see. But to the rest of us, you look stupid.
This look doesn’t even allow you to move in a normal fashion. You can only walk with your body at a certain angle so the pants precariously held in place on the lower half of your bum don’t slide off entirely. And your legs can’t move freely because they are hamstrung by the crotch hanging down to your knees, causing you to walk like a penguin.
If a dangerous event occurred that required everyone to flee, we would be at risk of losing an entire generation of young males. Unable to stride fully, they would fall down or be pushed out of the way and trampled to death by everyone else. A sad case of natural selection.
Maybe I just don’t fully understand the reason for this trend. Is this sexy? Is this some sort of evolution in the mating rituals of young humans? Are you presenting your backside to the young women in the hopes of attracting one, like a reversal of the female baboon presenting her big red heinie?
For snowboarders and skiers dressed in this look, it’s not only dumb and impractical, it’s potentially dangerous. The cotton of their boxers is neither a wicking nor an insulating fabric. How embarrassing is it to explain frost bite on your butt cheeks? And it has to be cold and uncomfortable sitting on the chairlift.
Surely it must impede their technique on the slopes as well. How can they get themselves down the mountain with any skill or finesse with their pants defying gravity and frozen nether-regions? I might even go so far as to speculate that this is the cause of many of the accidents on the slopes — attention focused elsewhere, namely the fear of exposure.
I have a son who turns 12 this week. I understand the importance to him of wearing the right thing in the right way. I try to respect his desire to grow his hair out to achieve a certain look, to have shirts with cool designs, to wear a hoodie in a certain way. I don’t even mind that my slim boy, whose pants are going to be baggy regardless of how he wears them, has the top of his boxers showing beneath his T-shirt.
But when I happened to catch a glance of just how low he was sporting his pants the other day, I put a yanking stop to it. I had to draw the line somewhere and I discovered the line was at about the upper-bum region.
I’m not the only one taking on this issue. A Brooklyn lawmaker recently started the “Stop the Sag” effort with billboards and a YouTube video encouraging young men to “Raise your pants, raise your image.”
It’s just like my mom always said: Dress sloppy, act sloppy. If you dress better, you’ll feel better. And we all know better than to argue with Mom.
Linda Stamper Boyne of Edwards can be contacted through firstname.lastname@example.org