Looking for levity in Lent
So we were in church last Sunday ” Palm Sunday for those of you who gave up calendars for Lent ” when I was struck by a thought.
It didn’t hurt me much and here it is: Our Lord went from the penthouse to the outhouse in about a week ” quite a tumble. Of course, he didn’t stay on the ropes, mostly because you can’t keep a good man down.
But how many high profile fortunes have taken a fall like that?
Among our winners:
“Martha Stewart: The Domestic Diva found her way to The Crossbar Hotel for several months for leaving a paper trail even Stevie Wonder could see. She had a bunch of stock in a company that was headed down the flusher faster than you can say “Ty-D-Bol Man.” Her trusted advisor advised her to dump it like a bad boyfriend, which she did. She could have dodged the whole thing by writing a check for a few hundred thousand bucks, but instead spent millions of dollars and months of time in the Denial Derby and landed in country club jail anyway. Her reality show even flopped.
“Newt Gingrich: Besides crop circles, the true identity of the Loch Ness Monster and how many babies Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are actually having, one of the greatest mysteries in this spiral arm of the universe asks this question: How on God’s green Earth can Bill Clinton end up with an intern under his desk for reasons that are all too clear, lie about it, get impeached and disgraced, and House Speaker Newt Gingrich be forced to resign? And now Bubba The Love Sponge is considered a dignified elder statesman while we’re all rooting for Newt to run for president so we can ask him why he dropped a divorce decree on his cancer-ridden wife while she was in her hospital bed. Hey, we’re just asking.
“Kobe Bryant: Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary? A: To figure out what part of “no” he doesn’t understand; Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard? A: To practice jumping bail; Q: What’s the next event Kobe Bryant will be attending? A: The Teen Not By Choice Awards; Q: Why did Kobe attend the Teen Choice Awards? A: He was fascinated by the “choice” aspect of it. (bunches more Kobe jokes at gocount.com).
“Tom DeLay: The former GOP big kahuna managed to get himself Gingriched when he was slimed for taking vacations and buying bling on someone else’s dime. Getting someone else to pay your way is a tried and true liberal function. We Republicans disguise ours as tax breaks for the rich, which we all want to be. DeLay now takes his full-salary-for-life pension to a tropical island, which he may or may not own.
“Gee Dubya Bush: Google up “fiddling while Rome burns.” Cracking jokes about our Chief Executroid is a little like bird hunting with a bazooka.
“Richard Nixon: Yeah, he was an arrogant cementhead, the Crooked King who prolonged the Vietnam War and who will forever be remembered for getting his presidency skewered by a botched burglary. He also founded the EPA and opened relations with China, making Wal-Mart possible ” which some consider yet another reason to hate him.
“Chicago Cubs/New York Mets: The 1969 Miracle Mets were no miracle. The Cubs choked, blowing a nine-game lead in September.
“Houston, Texas: The Lone Star State’s biggest city and the nation’s fourth largest. Dan Halpern of the Noo Yawk Times points out that Houston doesn’t have a clear-cut positive reputation like Austin (the laid-back slacker capital), or even a good nickname like Dallas (Big D). As far as most of the country is concerned, it has Enron and robber baron Kenneth Lay, and humidity require enough air-conditioning to power a rocket ship to Neptune. It’s not true. Houston has museums, great restaurants and the Johnson Space Center. It does not, alas, have the Houston Oilers any longer.
Randy Wyrick is a recovering liberal who thinks most political posturers are standing on feet of clay. Contact him at email@example.com.