Macho men: Who’s tougher in the Kerry v. Bush battle?
American Presidents are expected to have the swagger of John Wayne, the steel spine of Achilles, and the courage of Pat Tillmen.That’s why Jimmy Carter was a gutless failure.Never mind that Carter has devoted his post-Washington life to world peace; the building homes for the poor, and the curing of Third World diseases. History has judged him a White House wimp who wore sweaters, lusted in his heart not loins and let Iran hold Uncle Sam’s ego hostage for 444 days.But now we are in a different quandary. The election is a little more than two months off. The county is split between John Kerry and W. Bush. So how is the average NASCAR-watching, in-bred, wife-beating man going to make the right call?If the half-brights of this country could read, they might examine the excellent job Bush has done wrecking the economy, leading the world into chaos and failing to capture Bin Laden dead or alive.But it is easier to put both candidates under the Fox News Stud-o-Scope to determine which is more macho.Or, as W. might say: “Quien es mas macho?”Kerry played the stud card during the Democratic Convention. He used the word “strength” 17 times in his 45-minute acceptance speech, according to the New York Times.We heard about his courage under fire, his medals and how he saved the men on his Swift boat.So we’ll give Kerry 50 points for paddling up the Mekong Delta. Add an additional 50 for each of his three Purple Hearts. Tack on 100 more for knowing the joy of killing an enemy with his own hands. Unfortunately, Kerry loses all those points for running away from the rice paddies after four months in Vietnam.Bush fares no better, because he did not report for duty during that little skirmish in Southeast Asia. So subtract 150 points for turning yellow and hiding under an Air National Guard blanket.Both candidates attended blood-blood Yale and belonged to the famed Skull and Bones society. But Bush gains 50 points, because unlike the studious Kerry, W partied like Blutto from Animal House and scraped by with a C average.Sadly, President Bush loses those points for being on the cheerleading squad.Kerry gains more points for burning hootches and sporting a necklace made from the severed ears of VC babies. He loses that lead for ratting out his brothers and protesting the Vietnam War.The anti-war warrior loses even more ground for never scoring with Jane Fonda.Bush rallies with 150 points for years of boozing, snorting and cavorting. But he sacrifices those points by marrying a librarian.Both men lose 300 points each for failing to produce a male heir.Kerry, meanwhile, yields more ground for investing in a cookie business. He recovers 200 points for sharing whiskey and wenches with Ted Kennedy inside the U.S. Senate steam room.Subtract 100 more from the Democratic nominee for speaking fluent French. Ditto for playing classical guitar instead of rock ‘n roll.Bush, meantime, suffers a major setback for losing other people’s money in the oil business.Kerry gets a bump for snowboarding in flip-flops.Bush, meanwhile, literally takes it on the chin because he can’t ride a bike and make war at the same time.Subtract an additional 500 points from Bush for choking on a pretzel and another 500 for killing his dog by dropping the critter on its head.Kerry loses all his headway for marrying foreign-born billionaires, who lives off her dead husband’s ketchup fortune.The liberal from Nantucket gives up more turf for publicly fondling John Edwards like a trophy bride. He slides further south for spewing Nixonian-level chin sweat throughout his acceptance speech at last month’s convention.Can’t anyone get the next President of the United States a damn napkin?Finally, Bush earns 1,000 points for toppling the Taliban. But he squanders it all and 1,000 more for invading the wrong member of the Axis of Evil.In the end it is clear that neither candidate warrants the title of macho man. So when all is said and done, I’ll probably waste my vote on John McCain. After all, any guy tough enough to endure years of torture inside the Hanoi Hilton can handle Al-Qaeda. VTNicky Hernandez is a former private investigator available for comment at email@example.com.