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Making God fit politics

Matt Zalaznick

Pat Roberston’s scripture-drenched deconstruction of world events shouldn’t startle us. Perhaps it can help us make better sense of this inscrutable world. Obviously a man who is 5-foot-7, more than 300 pounds and almost 80 couldn’t manage a massive stroke without God’s angry intrusion. And a catastrophic hurricane that many had predicted would sweep out of the Gulf of Mexico and demolish New Orleans would have surely been a mere sunshower without the furious meteorological meddling of the man upstairs. Of course, the hand of a deviant-smiting divine is all too clear in Ariel Sharon’s unlikely stroke and Hurricane Katrina’s impossibly deep floods. But there have been less obvious interventions. For one thing, a believer might wonder why God is letting a movie about gay cowboys surge sinfully to front of the pack of best-picture contenders just a year after Clint Eastwood’s blasphemous mercy killing in “Million Dollar Baby” took home the top Oscar. After the faithful yanked the morally unfit movie from at least one Utah theater, how could He allow it to win three Critic’s Choice awards? Maybe he’s playing a trick on Hollywood and the movie-going public. He’s waiting to see who comes out of the closet to go see “Brokeback Mountain,” who likes it and which members of the Motion Picture Academy vote for it for best picture. Then smiting can begin anew. But maybe God deserves more credit than that. After all, he let Elton John, one of the wealthiest and most popular musicians on the planet, marry his, um, male partner. Maybe with all the trouble God’s children are getting into with the infidels around the world, he wanted a little peace in the culture wars that have made Uncle Sam’s house so dysfunction lately. James Dobson and Pope Benedict will just have to deal with Heath Ledger’s new super-hunk status. And Texas upsetting USC in the Rose Bowl? God stepping in on the side of the Longhorns is proof he has finally come to grips with not only black quarterbacks, but with quarterbacks who can run and pass. God’s not going to let some boring old offensive coordinator force him to drop back. He’s scrambling outside the pocket, he’s thinking outside the box, to make things happen. He likes things unpredictable. Locally, we may ponder whether God is going to let a Florida developer slather Battle Mountain with mansions and members-only slopes. Well, maybe God likes the slopes to himself, maybe he’s tired of weaving through gapers on busy days on Vail Mountain, maybe he’s tired of parking miles away on the Frontage Road and lugging his skis and boots to the Vista Bahn. Isn’t installing streets that melt snow a form of playing God? Downvalley, how can he stand two Democrats on the Board of County Commissioners intruding on the privacy of residents by banning smoking and new subdivisions? Can it be that God hates smokers, developers and real estate agents? Does he despise sports bars and housing booms? Well, if you believe Pat Robertson, God’s not a fan of individual privacy. He’s got more wiretaps than the NSA. And maybe he’s just messing with Eagle County’s Republicans. Because if God can’t have a little fun every now and then, the planet really is doomed. And oh yeah, heavy snow in the Rockies? In the winter? A miracle. Even God doesn’t understand how water rights work and he’s tired of boring water board meetings and ballot measures that nobody can figure out. But why isn’t God doing anything about the illegal immigrants streaming across America’s southern border? Surely he’s not in favor of a guest-worker program. Surely he wants America’s precious culture protected from more fast-food Mexican restaurants. Surely he too shudders at the thought of Taco Bell, catering to the left’s increasing fascination with all things Mexican, introducing its new Mucho Macho Monster: three enchilada-stuffed tacos wrapped in a steak-fajita burrito and crammed in a tostada inside a fried pinata – on top of a pizza. But He just keeps letting them in. Perhaps he’s listening to the prayers of Mexicans wishing for a better life more closely than those of xenophobic Americans asking Him to keep U.S. safe from any more ethnic contamination. Perhaps, and this might make Pat Roberston’s head explode (along with W.’s and Rummy’s and Cheney’s), Americans aren’t the only chosen people. City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14620, or mzalaznick@vaildaily.comVail, colorado


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