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March Madness and marriage

By the time you read this the moment will have passed: At two minutes and three seconds after 1 on Wednesday morning, the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06.This will never happen again.I think that little factoid is pretty cool because I’m a guy. As such, I’m not all that complicated and it doesn’t take much to keep me entertained.Women, on the other hand, insist they are nothing like that.Women are complex, or at least they want us to think they are.Guys are not. Men are governed by a mysterious internal force that makes us take the Final Four more seriously than the Supreme Court. Small boys will laugh for hours after making armpit farts using various combinations of body parts. As a former boy, I gotta tell you it still cheers me up more than any Eastern mystic religion.And even though New York Yankee Derek Jeter dressed in drag for a “Saturday Night Live” skit, men and women will never be the same – not even in San Francisco.March Madness is over, Florida won and most of us guys watched way more televised games than were good for us. We’ll watch as much March Madness basketball as possible, beginning with the early round games to the “One Shining Moment” montage.Ladies, it’s a guy thing. Let your old Uncle Randy give you a little advice to file away until next year’s March Madness rolls around.Leave him alone and let him holler at the television screen for a couple weeks. Generally he’s hollering at Billy Packer, who needs to be hollered at. With the possible exception of certain Middle Eastern despots and CU professor Ward Churchill, Packer is the perfect poster child for retroactive birth control.But if you insist on watching the NCAA mens basketball tournament with your guy, there are couple simple guidelines you might want to observe.First, he will watch games in which should have no apparent interest. He didn’t go to college at either of the colleges, and neither did anyone he’s related to or knows. He didn’t date any of the cheerleaders and wouldn’t admit it to you if he had.Basically, there are two kinds of people: Those who like cheerleaders and those who don’t, which works out pretty well as long as you stay with North Americans.Whether you believe that humanoids have inhabited the Earth for 6,000 years or 60 million years, all guys agree that either expanse of time is plenty long enough to have developed an on-board warning system designed to obey a guy’s strongest instinct – self preservation. Questions from your personal Reason for Living regarding your relationships with other non-guy female type persons are an ambush. He know he’ll meet his untimely demise before the next television time out, which will wreak havoc on his bracket picks and fantasy league baseball team.Which is why, if you ask him any questions along the lines of “Did you date your college cheerleaders?” especially while the game’s going on and he can actually see college cheerleaders, he’ll lie spectacularly. If he dated a college cheerleader, or anyone except Ru Paul masquerading as a college cheerleader, his answer will be, “No, but none of them hold a candle to you anyway.” If he didn’t, his answer will be, “No, and none of them hold a candle to you anyway.”Second, if you insist on watching basketball with him, try this advice from Debbie Mandel, author of “Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul.” Get a bet down on which team will win. “If your team wins, he has to fulfill your fantasy, and if his team wins, you have to fulfill his,” says Mandel. “This way there is a post-game celebration, and you’re both excited about the outcome.”As guys, our fantasies are pretty straight forward and tend to include power tools, a 55-gallon drum of Bailey’s Irish Cream and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders – none of whom, it should be pointed out, holds a candle your Reason for Living (or mine).But guys, don’t be shocked to learn that her fantasy centers around dinner and the ballet, followed by low fat hot chocolate and snuggling.And be prepared to take out the garbage on command for as long as you both shall live.Business Editor Randy Wyrick can be reached by e-mail at rwyrick@cmnm.orgVail, Colorado


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