Matt Zalaznick: An uplifted nation
Vail CO, Colorado
Americans are feeling great these days.
Everything is going so well at home and abroad.
The world is peaceful and stable. Our salaries are skyrocketing. There’s plenty of gas, water and electricity allowing us to live at the level to which we’ve been decadently accustomed.
Best of all, Uncle Sam is beloved from Dublin to Dakar to Dagestan for tackling problems old and new ” that pesky Middle East, that scary climate change, that tragic African genocide ” with the benevolent leadership for which he’s been adored for almost 250 years.
He’s leading by example, right? He’s putting solar panels on the White House, protecting polar bears, sending troops to save the oppressed in Darfur and, with that old star-spangled charm and grace, deftly brokering talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians.
There’s nothing ” no secret wiretaps ” to besmirch his reputation for lovin’ freedom and hatin’ evil-doers.
It’s not like he’s suddenly decided to defy everything he believes in by torturing people. Not like he’s denying bad guys access to his magnificent legal system.
Plus, he’s as compassionate as ever.
It’s not like one of the cities of his beloved Home-Sweet-Homeland was flooded and he turned his back on the residents because they weren’t wealthy campaign donors.
It’s not like he’s twiddling his thumbs while honest businessman and honest immigrants are suffering the shortcomings of a shoddy immigration system. It’s like he’s out clearing brush while his hard-working patriots are suffering the cruelty of a shoddily run health care system.
And he’s as straight a straight talker as when Abe Lincoln spoke the Emancipation Proclamation. Hey, it’s not like he made up all sorts of tall tales to trick Americans into supporting a war that would achieve only the deaths of Americans and far more chaos in the Middle East than there was before.
He’s right: Iran and Syria are the only sources of instability in the region.
And speaking of Abe, remember how he filled his White House with political opponents because they were the top guys for the job? Uncle Sam’s still at it ” not an incompetent crony to be seen in D.C. these days.
Good old Uncle Sam is batting a thousand ” he’s about to break the home-run record, he’s about to win the Tour de France, he’s about to win the world wrestling championship belt, and he’s never tested positive for steroids!
Put simply, nobody wants anything to change here in the home of the brave, and that’s why we’re all so wild with electoral glee about the morale-boosting superstars the Republicans are running for president.
(As if American morale could get any higher.)
That group of old, rich white guys promises more of the same and Americans are cheering, from sea to shining sea, “Bring it on.”
Many Democrats voted for the war ” even Hillary, the woman some defeatists insist will be president come January ’09.
And Democrats, since they so unpolitely took over Congress in the midst of unprecedented prosperity and optimism, haven’t done anything to fix the immigration system or health care. Or if they’ve tried, those rock star Republicans have admirably obstructed. Or W. has bravely waggled his terrible, swift veto pen, saying “Produce stem cells and the terrorists win!”
So vote Guliani! Vote Romney! Vote Brownback! Vote for Fred or even McCain! Vote anyone who promises “More of the Same!”
And bring on Hillary or Obama or wonky Bill Richardson or any other fresh meat who wants to wind up at the bottom of a November ’08 landslide.
We Americans are just too excited, too inspired, too secure to need the short-term ego boost that making history by not voting for a rich, old white guy in the ’08 election would bring us.
Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or firstname.lastname@example.org