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Men are pigs

Nickey Hernandez

If God wanted women to be filthy miners, babes would be born with hard hats, not the ability to bloom into double Ds.

But as we all know, the alleged Intelligent Designer in the sky works in mysterious ways. The same, however, can’t be said of the human swine we call males.

The vile nature of my hairy-backed brothers spews forth like projectile vomit in the Academy Award-quality film, “North Country.” This flick is a top-shelf David vs. Goliath drama stuffed with solid performances and gut-wrenching looks at the American underclass.

It’s “Norma Rae” in a steel pit, and “Erin Brockovich,” minus Julia Robert’s rack.

Stunning actress Charlize Theron gets down and sooty as Josey Aimes, a dirt poor, battered bride and mother of two. She returns to the slag heap of her youth in Northern Minnesota and takes a job in a steel mine to put bread on the table.

She’s among a handful of women in the crazed machismo world of steel, where men call their female co-workers “bitches.”

These knuckle-dragging masochists figure the ladies should be home making babies, not taking jobs from working slobs. The boys punish the wenches that toil in the filth with daily insults, dildos in lunch boxes, and profanities scrawled in fresh male scat.

Beats Viking games and polka dances, I suppose.

The men’s behavior gets worse as time lingers. Josie, ever the beautiful rube, complains to her bosses, but they scold her for ratting out the crew, and recommend she “take it like a man.”

Josey may ache just like a woman, but she breaks like a little girl. She also seeks shelter from a storm of sexual harassment with the help of the town’s sole intellect, a New York lawyer played by known doper, Woody Harrelson.

As with all legal gladiators, Harrelson’s character fights for the underdog and tells the court that justice “can’t live in a land where the ones with all the power hurt those with none.”

Naturally, this film is not set in present-day, Republican thug America. Rather, it transpires in the early 1990s, a time when when class-action lawyers and sexual harassment claims were in vogue.

In the end, Josie endures the old “nuts-and-sluts defense,” a time-honored legal maneuver unleashed on every back-talking skirt from Eve to Anita Hill.

I’m not sure what the alleged Intelligent Designer in the clouds had in mind when He supposedly crafted woman from Adam’s rib. I also have no clue why women accept being treated like a lesser cut of meat.

Yes, it’s true. Men are pigs. We fart in bed, eat with our hands and jerk off in strip bars. In exchange, we demand that our women cook, clean up our puke and perform like porn stars in the sack.

In the battle of the sexes, men don’t deserve a spot at the starting gate. At least that’s what my girlfriend yelled at me when “North County” finally ended.

Until next time, Nickey has left the theater to buy a certain someone a dozen roses.

Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who frequently sleeps on the couch.


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