Merry Christkwanzahanuakamas |

Merry Christkwanzahanuakamas

‘Twas a few days before XmasAnd through most of Happy Valley,Cheers could still be heardOver the convention center finale. The tourists complainedAbout bouncers provoking,But they were not joking, ’bout Happy Valley barsNow being “No Smoking.”Destitute Dick was still happyFor his rhymes were oh so snappy,But he had so much to say, on this pre-Xmas dayHe stopped before it became crappy.So before any of you can shout, “Too late!” here’s my annual Christmas gift wish list:President Bush: A speedy withdrawal from Iraq and a Texas win in the Rose Bowl.President Jerry Ford: A speedy withdrawal from the hospital and a Michigan win in the Alamo Bowl.The current president of Iran: A check made out for the full amount of “reality” and a “director’s cut” DVD of “Schindler’s List.”O’Reilly, Falwell, Dobson: Their national promotion proclaiming a “War on Christmas” is sadly appropriate for religious leaders whose inability to solve anything at all without resorting to war is such an unfortunate symbol of their cause. I wish for them merely to open their eyes and read a book containing scientific facts concerning our species and our world.Our resident UFO buff: A pat on the back for at least having the courage to research your personal quest for magical beings publicly, as opposed to simply having faith that they exist with no evidence whatsoever.The pleasant fellow who wishes for me to be tortured: An on-line dictionary to look up the word “subjective” and another year of torturing himself by reading my columns.Peter Knobel: Patience, dear sir, lots and lots of patience. (See F. Kummer for further info.)Chelsea Gerlach and William Rogers (of ELF fame): A big THANK YOU for speeding up the opening of Blue Sky Basin (but don’t hold your breath for Xmas cards).Don Rogers: A reason NOT to edit my columns to the point that “one-hundred percent” somehow becomes “one percent” once it is published, thus causing me to look even more foolish than I do on my own.Michael Cacioppo: For being the proverbial butt of my jokes for years, I wish for you to never, ever again be pulled over by a cop. Especially a local school teacher moonlighting as rent-a-cop.Bobby Ginn: You’ve already hired all of the best locals. I don’t think you really could use anything from me.Andy Wiessner: The ability to not USE CAPS when shouting down to your audience. If you want folks to pay attention to your crusade against Bobby Ginn, you’re going to have to stick with common sense and logic instead of the overused “all rich people suck” attitude. That gets old.Ross Palmer: Whoa, dude, just shut up and leave already. Sanctimonious bridge-burning touts insecurity, not superiority. I do, however, wish you and your family good luck.Bode and Daron: Nothin’ but gold in Torino, baby, nothin’ but gold. (They could share.).Apolo Ohno: Gold, as well, plus the good feeling you surely must receive knowing that America will, once again, pretend to give a damn about your sport.Rohn Robbins: I wish you continued legal success, but please stop using words like “penumbra.” The deliberate utilization is discombobulating. Butch Mazzuca: A 2006 that is even more romantically wonderful than 2005.Kaye Ferry: A Vail Town Council that makes some really, really stupid decisions.Betsy Chicoine: Welcome to the world of thick skin and inappropriate (“but I didn’t mean it that way”) comments. I wish you keyboard longevity.David LeVine: Another year of logical witticisms (and hoping your son is not mad for my opening poem).My three boys: Although you will each receive gifts, I wish for you all to have another year of knowing you do not really need any.And finally, for my wife, Lise, whom I protect, cherish and love more than any woman in the world and would do anything in the world for, short of human sacrifice (“A man’s got to know his limitations” – Clint Eastwood), I hope you receive whatever you wish for. You already have me for life.Merry Christmas, everyone.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at

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