Minturn to move closer to freeway |

Minturn to move closer to freeway

Dick Cheney

The small town of Minturn will move itself two miles closer to Interstate 70 in an ambitious effort to increase visibility and boost economic activity, the Vail Daily April Fool’s staffers have learned.

All homes and buildings will be dragged north by elephants and resettled right next to the interstate. Travelers on I-70 will spot the town and, town leaders envision, get off the freeway to “eat and buy lots of trinkets,” says a source close to former U.S. Treasury secretary Paul O’Neill, who has been hired as a souvenir development consultant to the Town Council.

“We had originally considered hiring armed biker gangs to hijack RVs off the freeway and into town, but the state patrol said they were in charge of hassling people on I-70,” said Maysie Perez-O’Berkowitz, a longtime Minturn gallery owner.

“And besides, Vail already tried that and found people were in a lousy mood and didn’t want to buy anything after they’d been kidnapped by Hell’s Angels waving AK-47s around,” she said.

But Fez Eisenhower, a local outspoken critic of everything, says he predicts the relocation proposal will be as big a flop as other economic revitalization proposals Minturn has considered in the past.

“Anybody remember the Marmot-fighting ring or the historic broken-down car tour?” said Eisenhower, a part-time landscaper who lives in a teepee carefully hidden in the woods off Tigiwon Road. “Those were great, but the town decided some art galleries and a silly farmer’s market would be more popular!

“By the way, GET OFF MY PROPERTY,” he then shouted while wielding a sawed-off turkey baster.

Longtime local restaurateur Hank Stripsteak, owner of French Toast-ada – a French-Tex Mex place on the soon to be relocated Main Street – says he thinks a better place for the town would be somewhere on the Minturn Mile.

“I suppose it would be hard on the galleries, though,” Stripsteak added. “No one on skis or a snowboard probably wants to lug a 5-foot high painting of cowboys eating lunch down that long catwalk.

“Maybe,” he says, “we should move to the town to Las Vegas.”

Perez O’Berkowitz said the town already has a backup plan should the relocation not bring about financial prosperity.

“We’re looking at the median of Dowd Junction,” she said. “This way, people won’t even have to get off the freeway. We’d even like to get to the point where folks could call ahead and we could just toss an antler chandelier in the window of their camper van!”

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