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Much to-do about nothing

Barry Smith

The To Do List is my guiding light, my muse, my raison d’tre. For instance, among the many items on today’s list is, “Use ‘raison d’tre’ in a written sentence, even though I’d never actually say it out loud.” Now I get to cross that off my list, which, as you fellow To Doers know, is really where the magic of the To Do list lives. The crossing off. Ahhhh, such sweet satisfaction.Another item on today’s list is: “Write column about the To Do Lists of famous people — try to make it funny.” And you can bet that when I’m done with this, I’m gonna run upstairs immediately, close the door and start crossing off.Elvis’s To Do List1. Money2. Show3. Get ready4. Go, cat, go5. Call Bacon-of-the-Month Club re: becoming a “Platinum” memberJudas Iscariot’s To Do List1. 30 pieces of silver — high-yield savings or invest? Call CPA2. Call Thomas re: bowling on Sunday — doubt if he’ll make it — probably already has Easter plans3. Sympathy card for J.C. — “Sorry I Betrayed You” or “Get Resurrected Soon”4. Pawn apostle ringLeonardo da Vinci’s To Do List1. Mona Sally? Mona Tiffany? Must come up with title soon! Leaning towards Mona Bona Bo Bona, Banana Bana Fo Fana Lisa2. Call community college, re: not available to teach finger-painting classHitler’s To Do List1. Buy Valentine’s flowers for Eva2. Play with cute, cuddly puppy3. Genocide4. Barber — consider mutton chops5. Massage — 2 p.m.Muhammad Ali’s To Do List1. “Float like a butterfly, sting like hydrogen peroxide applied to a freshly skinned knee” — memorize that in time for Cosell interview this Friday2. “I am the most above-average fighter of all time!” — too boastful? Work on it.Buddha’s To Do List1. Get comfy chair — one with lumbar support2. Talk to neighbor about goddamn yappy dog3. All life is suffering, but this itchy robe has GOT to goJohn Wayne’s To Do List1. Need good catch phrase — Pilgrim? Quaker? Mennonite?2. Cowboy hat or propeller beanie? Must consult with agent.3. Not saying I AM a transvestite, but if I was, would that limit my career options? Must consult with agent.Thomas Edison’s To Do List1. Invent phonograph2. Invent movie camera3. Invent light bulb4. Thursday night — Overachievers Anonymous meeting — bring brownies — and guacamole — and folding chairsAspen Comedy Fest Comedian’s To Do List1. Make joke about how hard it is to breathe in Aspen2. Make joke about how little moisture there is in the air in Aspen, requiring hydration and subsequent excessive urination — HA!3. Make joke about number of rich people in Aspen4. Make joke about how much things cost in Aspen5. Make joke about number of black people in Aspen6. Wait for laughter to die downBarry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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