MugShots: Sure, I’d listen if the people of the United States called
I was at a Society of American Baseball Research convention a few years ago, and this convention had a panel discussion about baseball simulation games (Strat-O-Matic, Diamond Mind, etc.). Anyway, one of the topics of discussion was the idea that major league managers should have to complete some training on baseball simulation games before taking over their teams. After all, pilots have flight simulators, right?
This got me thinking. Why the fuss about computer-simulation training for baseball managers and pilots but none for president? Some might argue this is the most important job in the country, way more important than some baseball manager. Those people would of course be wrong. Copy editors have the most important job in the country, but president is second.
And then we have the computer game Civilization, which seems perfect as a presidential training ground. From the back of the box of the latest version, “Implement new technologies, conduct diplomacy or wage war to grow your society and become the most powerful leader the world has ever known.” What more do you want?
Now, as for my qualifications: In recent games against the computer, I’ve triumphed by winning the space race, by dominating the other countries area- and population-wise and by creating such a cultured nation that all the other civilizations fell into line. For those out there who think my lack of a conquest victory means I’d lose votes from the right, I also have a string of Castle Risk (similar to the Risk board game) victories stretching back to when I was in middle school. So I think I’m good there.
What would I do once I became president? I have a few ideas.
I’d trade Montana and some cash to Canada for Ontario. This would put my beloved Toronto Blue Jays on American soil, meaning they would no longer have to battle the exchange rate or the stigma of playing in a foreign country that exists in the minds of free agents. Sure, losing Montana is tough, and I’d rather offer up Wyoming, but I don’t want a face full of birdshot.
I’d also declare war on Wal-Mart. Some people might argue that, as an Arkansas-based company, Wal-Mart isn’t really a foreign country. Others might point out that it isn’t really a country at all. These are defeatist, namby-pamby liberals talking. Wal-Mart must die.
Justification? I mean, it’s the evil empire, and Soviet Russia was the evil empire. Plus, with its sell-everything-under-the-sun policy, the fact that it has a store or two pretty much everywhere and its rock-bottom prices, it’s ideal for terrorists to buy weapons of mass destruction. “Honey, I’m off to buy a nonstick skillet, a quart of motor oil, a couple of vials of Ebola virus and some nukes. Can’t beat those prices.”
What’s more, Wal-Mart’s commercials irritate me. “Always” Wal-Mart, huh? Not on my watch.
I’d authorize wire-tapping on your neighbors. Aren’t you curious to hear all the disparaging comments they make about your grill skills, barking dog, landscaping, etc.?
As America’s first president who walked everywhere, I might have a little difficulty making it overseas, but I’m confident my walking would inspire others to do likewise, thus decreasing our reliance on foreign oil.
That’s about it. I’m eager to serve. Just waiting for your call.
Daily Copy Editor Mugs Scherer would like to acknowledge that he has shopped at Wal-Mart in moments of weakness in the past. Most recently to buy a fan when The Home Depot didn’t have one. He hopes you won’t hold this against him, but if you’d like to discuss this, you can reach him at email@example.com or 748-2924.
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