My Fellow American guys, July 4th is our day
I was driving my V-10, gas-powered SUV up the interstate with a double cheeseburger in my hands and steering with my knees, holding forth on the glories of all things American while I calculated the distance to the donut shop drive-thru window because it was my turn to cook breakfast.
It was July Fourth, the favorite holiday of all Real American Guys for lots of really great guy reasons.
Yeah, yeah, we know Christmas is supposed to be our favorite holiday because it observes the Lord’s birthday. But Jesus was actually born in the spring. And besides, the Lord is a guy. As such, he’d agree that July Fourth is seriously cool.
Here are the Ten Reasons You Love July Fourth:
– One: July Fourth is the middle of the summer so the weather is warm. There’s no chance you’ll have to shovel snow, unless you live in Summit County where summer shows up about one afternoon a year and July Fourth isn’t it.
– Two: You generally get the day off work, which is always a great day. If you find someone who doesn’t have the day off work, and you will, you are required to leave an obscenely large tip.
– Three: There are no presents, which is always good because your garage looks like my garage and you don’t have anywhere to stuff any more stuff. You have too much stuff already.
– Four: Better than that, no presents means no shopping. I don’t care how secure you are in your masculinity, shopping is hateful unless you’re shopping for power tools.
Then it isn’t really shopping, it’s more like hunting. You know what you’re after, you track it down, you bag it and you go home.
No shopping means also you don’t have to go to a shopping mall, the true repository of all that’s evil in Western Civilization and a place where no Real Guy will go if he’s not being forced at knifepoint. In shopping malls, guys are held prisoner next to the women’s clothing department where humiliation and emasculation are inflicted upon them ” they’re made to hold the purse. You can try to hide it behind your back, you can try to make it look like a tackle box or tool box, but the truth is obvious. You look like what you look like and there’s no way to hold the purse without looking like a perverted, cross-dressing shoplifter.
And if that’s not enough to make you run from the mall in terror, your Reason for Living will soon come out of a fitting room and ask you a question that will make you volunteer for a blindfold and a cigarette ” “Does this make me look fat?”
– Five: The decorations are not complicated. You hang a flag or two on the front of your house. If the flag-mounting brackets aren’t already mounted, you might get to use your power tools, or maybe even duct take ” very manly stuff.
– Six: The food is simple and generally you cook it on a grill. Therefore, it involves the two great elements of Guy Cuisine ” chunks o’ meat and fire.
– Seven: You can eat on throw-away dishes, which cuts down on the amount of labor. As a nod to the greenies, make sure the plates are biodegradable.
– Eight: You can also eat with your hands, standing up as God intended, and wash everything down with a tall, cold glass of your favorite carbonated beverage.
– Nine: Then you take a nap.
– Ten: At the end of this great and glorious day, stuff blows up.
This, my fellow Americans, is a great day.
Randy Wyrick is of the same mindset as William Shakespeare, who asked the timeless question, “What do women want?” Wyrick figures that if Shakespeare, who wore tights and wrote soonnets, couldn’t figure it out, what chance does he have? Send your answers to email@example.com.
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